5. Review of Goodbye, forever.

Title            : Goodbye, forever.

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : shootingroses

Status        : Completed
Workshop   : Designified Fountain

Title [2.5/5]
It’s melancholic, yes. But it doesn’t indicate much, readers might not want to give it a first chance by checking it out on random if there are more attracting titles competing.

Goodbye, Forever will make a better appearance though.

Foreword & Description [7/10]

I was like, ‘oh well...’ when I read your description.

Moving on to foreword, pooft~!
I love the last part of it, I can picture the dramatic, hopeless, helpless scene...

Characterization [4/10]

HyunA, typical girl who loses everything after a breakup with her boyfriend.

Jihyun, typical big sister who takes care of the main character after her heartbreak.

Junhyung, typical I’ve-to-let-you-go-in-order-to-protect-you boyfriend who leads to all the heartbreaks.

(shakes head)
The main characters appear too ‘obedient’ towards their employer, each other...
 

Graphics [2/5]

Poster, it would have been better if you’ve your title on it.
Don’t want readers start reading it and forgot what the title is and having the trouble to scroll back upwards.
Don’t leave... Come back... looks more dramatic.

By the way, the colour tone of your poster is a little bit too cheerful for your storyline. Darken the tone, make the colour duller.

Originality [8/15]

Okay, let’s-break-up-because-I-want-to-protect-you, WHAT?!
This is common, one thing I detest about it...
Why is it that the party who gets forced never bother to discuss it with the other party first?!
This is so annoying and cliché.
Maybe the other party wants his/her love over his/her career?! Gah!

Kind of you to offer either a sad ending or a happy one though.
I understand readers who can’t bare reading a sad one.
But personally, I’m a person who loves emotion, enjoys the dramatic stab of melancholy and pain in my heart when I’m into a drama/story or whatever. (hehe...)

I love your sad ending. 

 It makes the storyline different from most of them out there too. 

Plot [8/15]

I was really captivated in the story ever since the beginning, a sad and dramatic one.
However, my yearn to read it started to fade as the story goes on.
Reason? Probably because there are less drama and climax.
It leads to a sad ending too. (for your original ending)

The story is rather calm if you ask me, but I’m still attracted to read it till the end.
I suppose it’s the way you put in emotions... thumbs up!

Flow of Story [14.5/15]

I don’t see much flaws in it.
No apparent ones, in fact.

The storyline flows smooth, no doubt.
Though it doesn’t have too much climax, I can’t resist pressing ‘next’.

Your grammar doesn’t affect the flow either.   

Language [9/15]

When I first read it, it does sound very carefully written.
Different from my expectation, I spotted quite a lot of grammar mistakes.
Why is that? My suggestion, you should re-read your story after finishing writing a chapter every time

From what I see in some of the parts, you seem to be trying too hard in emphasizing the past and still do.
For someone who’s very familiar with grammar, great attempt.
But if you’re slightly wobbly, then I suggest you the safe way, that is to put most of the verbs in past tense.

If you’re trying to narrate the story in present mode, some of the parts aren’t right either.
So I assumed the story to be in past narration.

That phenomena gets better towards the ending though.

[click for correction]

Neatness [4/5]

(nods)
Neat enough, easy to read, yeah.
Thoughtful of you to differentiate narrations, conversations and thoughts clearly. (most writers don’t)
Remember to apply Italic to every single thoughts though. 

Overall Enjoyment [4/5]

In chapter 16, kind of you to mention about the bracelet in the end, it’s a good thing to help readers refresh their memories.

The story is captivating though I’m hardly a troublemaker addict/Junah shipper, but I’m starting to like them already. 

Final Grade [63/100]

So, I went hard on you, as you asked for.
Hope this review will be of some help to you. 

My pleasure reviewing for you though. 

-Claraine, an early piece

4. Review of Material Princess

Title            : Material Princess

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : CuteBubbles

Status        : Ongoing, 6 chapters

Title [4/5]
It’s an attractive title, no doubt.
For me, I’ll stop to take a look at the story.

Because I’m a girl, a materialistic one too. (I doubt many aren’t.)
 

Foreword & Description [7/10]

You include your words for readers in ‘description’ section, it should be in ‘foreword’.
Same goes to the trailer.

You included introduction for characters in your foreword, score point for you.

Characterization [6/10]

Bitchy Hyuna, you gave her a very strong personality on that.
You showed her soft side too, when she talked to her best friend...
Not too dull, not too fresh either...

The rest of the characters, I still don’t know much.

Graphics [4/5]
I can’t ask for more, it’s perfect!

Still, scrutinizing through everything, the poster...
Money, cash, poker doesn’t exactly blends well with sweet pink.
Try changing the background into a wilder maroon?
Or, change the ‘materials’ into fashion accessories? 

 (same goes to background)

And well done in taking the trouble to get different posters in every chapter.

Trailer serves as a bonus too.

It’s awesome.

Originality [9/15]

Typical hurt-ice-princess starting to show her feelings as a kind-sweet-guy walks into her life. (Am I not right?)
Plus, you got the concept of the story from a Chinese drama right? Sorry but more points off originality.

Anyway, one thing I like about it, a hot bitch got hurt and minds about it?!
I don’t see that every day.

Plot [8/15]
For me, plot includes style of writing.

It’s a little too slow.
It feels as if you’re trying to include every detail in the story so that readers know every single thing about the character’s life, but that’s not the way it should be, not in a good fiction.
Only emphasize on more important parts/describe scenes to help readers picture the situation.

Flow of Story [12/15]

It’s smooth, yeah.
Plot is one thing, but you’re story doesn’t get stuck, not in a serious manner.
(And because you made it so detailed.)

Watch out your language though, usually writers have this problem.
Mistakes in language, especially grammar jams readers on the spot for a while to figure it out.
 

Language [10/15]

I don’t correct mistakes in dialogues because it might be the characters’ slang of talking, but it does sound too carefully spoken when the characters speak in the story.

Minor mistakes scatter here and there, but it’s still alright.
Remember to check through it next time, ne?

Here's the link to the correction. [click]

Neatness [3.5/5]

One suggestion, separate your narrations, conservations and thoughts clearly from each other.
More spaces between different scenes would have helped.
Names of characters in dialogues don’t have to be in italic font, save that for thoughts instead.

Overall Enjoyment [2/5]

You’ve just started, nothing so far...
I don’t have the desire to keep on clicking ‘next’, nor giving it up. (because I’m a reviewer, just doing my job)

Final Grade [65.5/100]

Personally, I don’t find it too bad.
Perhaps it’s because I don’t detest conversation or anything.

Don’t give up, girl!
ALWAYS KEEP DE FAITH~!

-Claraine, an early piece

3. The Review of The Monster Inside Me

Title            : The Monster Inside Me

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : kittyxluvlee

Status        : Ongoing, 8 chapters

Workshop   : ★ C r e a m Puffs' ★ `Reviews, Advertisements, Trailers

Title [4/5]

The Monster Inside Me, 'rebellious' will be the first impression of most readers.

But it's not everything in the title, it's also relevant to the storyline, well done.  It sounds a little creepy, yet mysterious, exactly what young readers will find as a magnet attracting them to read it.

Foreword & Description [8/10]

From what I see in your description, it seems a rather different story from what we've been through over and over.

I'm willing to read it even though I'm not a fan of Infinite's.

I get the creeps when I read the foreword...

Poster/Background [6/10]

Passionate, mysterious shade of red on your poster. It reminds me of blood.

It somewhat feels like a tough love story, something like Twilight. (I wrote this before reading your foreword, well, good job on it!)

Dark but romantic.

Love your poster.

I see plain white background, some warm shades behind will spice things up, make the readers' heart beat even faster.

Plot [18/20]

Things are going on a pace pretty fast, all the better to thrill readers as soon as possible.

No details missed, no dragging.

And there seems to be climaxes/sub-climaxes every now and then.

Thumbs up

Characters [12/15]

I love the way you characterize everyone, it feels like everyone completes the puzzle.

About Myungsoo, he's said to be rather cold, unfriendly and acts onto his prey without hesitant or guilt.

But he's all overprotective and sweet(kind of) on Miyoung already?

He can't help it, yeah. But he doesn't even try to fight it?

Grammar & Spelling [5/5]

Hardly any spelling mistakes.

Grammar is accurate, except for a rare few mistakes, out of a rush, I think.

Here's some grammar error I noticed:

1st chapter

I couldn't believe my ears.

Last chapter

I buried my head into my hands
She shook her head adamantly

She shook her head.

Still, judging from the vocabularies you use, these are probably careless mistakes.

Oh, and thumbs up to your choice of wordings.

Style [5/5]

Short and simple, you don't babble on and on in one paragraph.

Love it.

And you state your POV clearly.

And of course, your descriptive writing probably envies most of the writers out there.

Originality [9/10]

What more can I ask for?
I don't see many of these fan-fics, first thing.
2nd, it's a challenging theme to write on to capture readers' attention.
You're awesome.

But I have a feeling that the one girl is going to get stuck between two guys, again.
Am I right?

Captivating [8/10]

Well described.

My heart throbs whenever I picture things as you describe.

And when you snap out of it just after a short while, it leaves me dying for more.

There are certain parts when the descriptions are ended too soon though, I wasn't even feeling warmed up yet.

Oh, and certain chapters (just one or two so far) cool the readers down.

You could have added a little more humor or drama to it.

Still very captivating though.

I felt breathtaken pausing at where you came to a pause.

I simply can't resist pressing 'next' again and again.

I finished it in one shot.

Flow & Entertainment [9/10]

The story flows on, like a stream. No problem, yeah.

But it'll be perfect if you watch out for minor grammar mistakes though.

It spoils the fun when it gets confusing, even just for that swift moment.

Overall [84/100]

[B=70-84]

I just wanna say, I'm not flattering you.

Really, it's wonderful.

I don't even know Infinite in the beginning, and now, I'm starting to remember & differentiate their names.  First Infinite fiction I've read.

 -Claraine, an early piece

2. Review of I Wanna Love You, The Words I Could Never Tell

Title            : I Wanna Love You, The Words I Could Never Tell

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : SujuXLove

Status        : Ongoing, 12 chapters

Workshop   : Designified Fountain

Title [4/5]
I can tell that it’s going to be a looonnggg crush.  For me, I’ll check the story out. It has a dramatic touch to it, I Love You, the words I could never tell...

Foreword & Description [6.5/10]
Your description doesn’t indicate anything about the story except that it’s your first shot on writing?  That fits better in foreword.

Anyway, your foreword does sound poetic and melancholic, well-written with feelings.
And it shows the reader what the story is about.
A girl who loves a guy ever since he was a still a nobody, but now, he’s got fame and she can only be a one-in-a-zillion, supporting him...

Suggestion: If you can’t help, switching ‘foreword’ with ‘description’ and vice versa will be better.

Characterization [6/10]
Oh gosh, Donghae is such a jealous freak, but sweet...
A typical deeply-in-love-I-can’t-lose-her main character.

And the girl, is the typical ‘I love him, have to let him go’ type.
It would have been more human if she had thoughts and actions of not wanting to let him go, on her own.

But everything’s too focused on the characteristics above.
It’ll be better if you tell us more about their other different personalities.

Graphics [2.5/5]
No poster? Having one would have attracted more readers.
It’s never too late to get one now.

Anyway, Donghae at the background does somehow make up a little.
I knew the main character is him once I clicked into your story, without reading your ‘characters’ yet.

And Donghae’s snapshots at the beginning of every chapter serves as a bonus

Originality [9/15]

Not the hottest themes being written, but I’ve definitely seen it somewhere, before, for more than a few times.

Adding a little twist to it and some style of your own will be good.
To make it more specific, maybe you can avoid it as Donghae always going after the girl who always runs from him.
(like what I mentioned in characterization)

Plot [10.5/15]

Too much narration at the beginning, could be better if you shorten and condense it.

Gets interesting towards the ending though, climax starting to show up...
And I totally love Donghae’s proposal, so romantic~

Good thing that you don’t babble...

Flow of Story [12/15]

Flow is pretty well-written
Not stuck or anything

Just remember to watch out for your grammar and make the thoughts, conversations and narrations clear from one another so that it doesn’t slow the readers down. 

 

Language [10/15]

Grammar mistakes are quite frequent, and some of the parts aren’t really smooth (because of grammar, it sounds a little broken).
Watch out in your switching of present and past tenses. It gets confusing.
Narrative actions, make it all past.
Thoughts & conversations, present tense is accepted.

Wanna, coz, ya, kinda and dunno is not proper English, watch out 

 Bumped into somebody
And a person shouldn’t be small, supposed to be young.
By the way, there are mistakes here and there in their conversations too, but I’ll let it pass, I’ll see it as  the characters’ talking expressions or something.

Anyway, bonus for attempting to describe.

I gather that you’re a Malaysian, I am too.
Nice attempt though, keep it up! It’s one of the best ways to improve your language. 

 And maybe I make too big of a deal out of it, but reviewers tend to go strict on this section.

Since you asked me to go easier on you, I treated English as your non-first language.

Neatness [3.5/5]

Not too difficult to read. *nods*
Still, would be better if you separate your dialogue, thoughts and narrations clearly.

Overall Enjoyment [3.5/5]

Otokke? It’s Donghae
You hit my weak spot 

 Just kidding.

Well, at first there isn’t nothing much, but I start to have the urge of pressing ‘next’ as I keep on reading
I was doing a correction on language for you earlier, but gave up because I simply want to enjoy the story.

Final Grade [67.5/100]

Personally, I’m so delighted when you pick me to be your reviewer!
Because I’m a dedicated-to-Donghae ELF ;)
I tried my best to go tough on you, because I always have a soft spot for it (thanks to Donghae)
Forgive me if I go on too strict

Feel free to ask for a remarking if there’s any ‘objection’

Anyway, hwaiting in your story~ 
P.S. It's a good start, don't give up writing  

   

-Claraine, an early piece

1. Review of M&M's World

Title            : M&M's World

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : brave_purple

Status        : Ongoing, 17 chapters

Title [3.5/5]

M&M's World? Not exactly appealing to the eyes of readers as it does not indicate much. Still, the colorful chocolates in our mind brightens up the impression on the story, if your readers are actually imagining it. (I read your thank-you note as well, so it's the initials of the main characters, good one.)

Foreword & Description [8/10]

Well-written, short and simple. I can tell that it's not going to be a tough love story. For readers who are looking for one like that, just sit back and enjoy!

Characterization [7/10]

Park Misun is the typical kind of innocent, cute girl which is quite common as the main character. However, she turns out as a naive young woman even though she had a complicated family background, score point for you. And she loves to speak using words that nobody but herself understands, nice one.

Wait, isn't Minho unfriendly to strangers? He seems quite nice when he first knows Sunny...

Sooyoung is definitely THE antagonist to spice things up, good job in making me hate her to death in the story. Score point for you.

And SHINee crew, it gets cliche in most of the stories. They treat the (girl) main character good sooner or later. You could have added a little conflict to it, if you know what I mean.

Graphics [3.5/5]

The tone of the poster suits the theme of your story, warm, cheerful, sweet. Still, your main character is meant to be a naive happy-go-lucky at most time, no? It would have been better if the girl beside Minho is actually smiling, not looking melancholic. It helps to brightens up the poster too if the other SHINee members are looking joyful/playful, not slightly emo.

Just a little suggestion, ignore it if you don't like it. =D Maybe 'Will they ever realize that they're meant for each other?' will be a better quote?

Existent of background image and graphics insertion of graphics in the middle of the story will be a bonus though.

Originality [8/15]

I don't know, a happy-go-lucky, a best friend who's really hyper and stuff, another who walks into her love life and a boyfriend who's not doing much to defend himself, and I'm guessing this is going to be the conflict in your story.
My guess, maybe SHINee crew will stand up for Misun and boycott Sooyoung while Minho stand by Sooyoung?
It's too common out there...
But don't feel bad or anything, this is, after all, a hard section to score.

If my guess is wrong, then it's good.
Ask for a re-grading on this section if it is so

Plot [9/15]

Scenes like the confessions and Sooyoung faking around, I've seen for so many times but they still excite me.
But you have to be more creative to win the compromise of readers on the plot.
Hope that you'll bring me surprises in the near future.

One thing on your climaxes, you don't go all descriptive on it, which is good.
Don't cool your readers down before it actually starts

Flow of Story [13/15]

Well described, like it. I can picture whatever you're trying to express. The flow of your story is quite smooth, as the story line doesn't seem hard and forced. It flows on & on without any hint of pause, most of the time. Keep it up

You twist your writing with sense of humor. It's doesn't sound over or fake, readers will probably have a good laugh

Language [10/15]

Minors mistakes scatter here and there.
Maybe it's because you did not read through after writing in a rush?
It gets better in the later chapters

You can so ask for a remarking for this section if English is not your first language or any acceptable reason.
Judging from the vocabularies you use, yours isn't exactly that bad. It's just that authors who ask for reviewers tend to be really careful about it as reviewers are most likely to go all strict about it

[click here for corrections]

Neatness [4/5]

Your paragraphing is great, short and easy to read. But watch out that you don't babble for too long in a paragraph.
Readers aren't exactly patient in reading long paragraphs.

Will have been better if your POV is stated clearly. It gets a little confusing at times of who's speaking right now.

Overall Enjoyment [4/5]

Okay, so being creative is one thing, but your story makes me not wanting to stop reading it. Oh, and it will be perfect if you recheck your grammar after writing, because it does confuse readers in certain sentences and pausing to interpret what does the sentence actually mean is not a good thing.

Final Grade [70/100]

It's still a credit.
Writing with that much emotion as you did in your thank-you note will be good, I feel touched reading that

I hope I don't sound too harsh, and I hope I'm not being too strict.
Feel free to tell if you wish for a remarking. This is, my first review after all.

  -Claraine, an early piece

Review Rubric (Version 1.0)

Not longer in use, but it was being used in my early pieces

Early pieces = Reviews 1-6

Review Criteria Sheet (Version 1.0)

Title [5]

Foreword & Description [10]

Characterization [10]

Graphics [5]

Originality [15]

Plot [15]

Flow of Story [15]

Language [15]

Neatness [5]

Overall Enjoyment [5]

Total [100]