16. One Way Ticket

Title            : One Way Ticket

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : sakuragoddess

Status         : Ongoing, 6 chapters

Workshop   : creampuffs || reviews_advertisements + trailers + graphic sets

First Impression Section

Title [3/5]  

The title reminded me of path to heaven when I first saw it. An acceptable title, but it is indeed very subtle at first sight.

However, as I go on reading the story, I see that it’s rather related to the story line. It’s the right way to name a story, yes, but you should have put in more attempts to make it more appealing without changing its original meaning.

Foreword & Description [3/10]

Your description is clear and straight to the point. However, a good description of a story should be twisted to make it sound more interesting and catchy in order to leave a pleasant first impression in readers.

Overall, it does look simple. After reading your description and foreword, I’m not actually interested to click ‘next’ since the plot and characters seem cliché to me already.

Graphics [-/5]

I guess you’ve got one? Sadly I couldn’t see the poster.

Sub-Total [6/15]

 Creation Section

Originality [9/30]

Since your story has not gone far, I shall review it based on the description on the front page.

A girl who has given up on herself and continues ruining herself, has no life, has nothing better to do other than to party and take drugs. Cliché.
A boy comes along and tries to tame her, wins her love and happily ever after. Ancient, and boring.

Still, it’s not impossible to make it different from other stories, try to insert your own style, e.g. sense of humor in your writing, or, slotting in fresh ideas here and there works too.

Storyline / Plot [15/30]

It doesn’t appear to me like a fan fiction yet so far since the claimed main character – Jonghyun, has not even made his grand appearance. Please do not procrastinate on this issue; it’s not called a fan fiction for no reason. The artist should be slotted into the story as far as the second or third chapter.

Anyway, seems like you’ve either done some research or had read a lot of stories on lives of party animals. Either way, thumbs up that you know the topic well before writing.

Language [10/20]

Here are some mistakes I spotted.

Chapter 1
“a kiss on the cheek”
“Sang Mi froze in her spot after hearing the name she hadn’t heard of in years.”
“Don’t you hate me?” “No. Why would I?” (Not ‘why would I be?’)
“fully affected me or changed me”
“The reason why I came here was to give you this.”
“We lived a carefree life.” (There’s only ONE world, therefore there’s no such thing as a carefree world.)

Chapter 2
“but I was not sure”
“I was not surprised”
“I gave a quick punch on her face”
“I looked at Ji Hye”
“I’m way over that jerk off.”
“she knew I could never resist”
“knowing what the surprise already was”

Chapter 3
“That was the evilness of coke, it makes you hyper”
this is only because I wasn’t a huge coke fanatic. I am more of a marijuana person.

Chapter 4
“Seeing that made me want to get into the club faster.”
“No way am I waiting in line.”
“I quickly parked the car round the corner and got out.”
“Ji Hye and I ran to get in the line.”
“Ji Hye pursed her lips.”
“Who goes to the club in the morning”
“placed it on the hem of her shirt”
“we couldn’t even hear ourselves think.”
“I looked at the bottle which was almost half empty.”
“I bumped into a girl who was dancing with her boyfriend I supposed.”
“not one bit”
“his scrawny ass wasn’t doing so well”
“Why was it that Ji Hye could pull me off, but the boyfriend couldn’t?”
“I felt a pair of strong man hands wrapped around my waist.”
“no way am I getting myself arrested tonight”
“I wrestled with the cop as he tried to get handcuff me.”

Chapter 5

“It was as if someone took a stick and viciously smacked my head around with it.”
“I looked to my left to see Ji Hye in sitting on a dirty metal chair with her arms crossed.”
“Her expression told me she wasn’t too happy.”

Look out for text language, e.g. ‘ok’, type it in full instead.
For numbers, type it out in words instead of applying numerical form.
Keep your eyes wide for spelling mistakes as well, be sure to be careful on verbally alike words, e.g. ‘hear’ and ‘here’.

About the usage of ‘so’, avoid it. Replace it with ‘very’ or simply cancel it as ‘so’ explains the comparative level of something to a subject.
You’re narrating the story in ‘recalling-the-past’ form, please remember to apply your tenses in past.

My suggestion to you as you continue on your story, proof read every chapter after you finish writing or find someone professional (a reviewer works) to do it for you.

Flow of Story [13/20]

Your writing is descriptive and rather fun to read. It flows rather smoothly; still, try to emphasize on your language. Grammatical errors tend to annoy readers when it gets serious.

Sub-Total [47/100]

Bonus Section

Characterization [2/10]

So far, I’ve only seen Sang Mi and Ji Hye’s characters. I don’t like it. ‘Two musketeers’ with personalities which are frequently paired up.
Two crazy girls who love to party their souls out, difference – one is bitchier and even lack of hope, another one is more rational and plays the role of the mother.

Style of Writing [6/10]

You play it safe by narrating the story thorough but avoiding usage of bombastic words.
Not especially stylish but acceptable.

But a writer always work to improve his writing, hopefully, you’ll learn to improve.

Captivity [0/5]

It does not appeal captivating to me.
From point one, we’re looking into the life of an obvious problematic young lady.
Right till the stop point, we’re still there.
(Hint: No Jonghyun!)

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [4/5]

I love the way you arrange a short few sentences in a paragraph, easy for readers to read. It would be better if you set the wordings on the foreword and description to left alignment though. Overall is well ordered.

Sub-Total [12/30]

Total [67/145] / [46/100]

Reviewer’s Note:
I don’t think the story’s that bad, perhaps you haven’t gotten into the main point and that’s probably why things still seem dull.

- Claraine