16. One Way Ticket

Title            : One Way Ticket

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : sakuragoddess

Status         : Ongoing, 6 chapters

Workshop   : creampuffs || reviews_advertisements + trailers + graphic sets

First Impression Section

Title [3/5]  

The title reminded me of path to heaven when I first saw it. An acceptable title, but it is indeed very subtle at first sight.

However, as I go on reading the story, I see that it’s rather related to the story line. It’s the right way to name a story, yes, but you should have put in more attempts to make it more appealing without changing its original meaning.

Foreword & Description [3/10]

Your description is clear and straight to the point. However, a good description of a story should be twisted to make it sound more interesting and catchy in order to leave a pleasant first impression in readers.

Overall, it does look simple. After reading your description and foreword, I’m not actually interested to click ‘next’ since the plot and characters seem cliché to me already.

Graphics [-/5]

I guess you’ve got one? Sadly I couldn’t see the poster.

Sub-Total [6/15]

 Creation Section

Originality [9/30]

Since your story has not gone far, I shall review it based on the description on the front page.

A girl who has given up on herself and continues ruining herself, has no life, has nothing better to do other than to party and take drugs. Cliché.
A boy comes along and tries to tame her, wins her love and happily ever after. Ancient, and boring.

Still, it’s not impossible to make it different from other stories, try to insert your own style, e.g. sense of humor in your writing, or, slotting in fresh ideas here and there works too.

Storyline / Plot [15/30]

It doesn’t appear to me like a fan fiction yet so far since the claimed main character – Jonghyun, has not even made his grand appearance. Please do not procrastinate on this issue; it’s not called a fan fiction for no reason. The artist should be slotted into the story as far as the second or third chapter.

Anyway, seems like you’ve either done some research or had read a lot of stories on lives of party animals. Either way, thumbs up that you know the topic well before writing.

Language [10/20]

Here are some mistakes I spotted.

Chapter 1
“a kiss on the cheek”
“Sang Mi froze in her spot after hearing the name she hadn’t heard of in years.”
“Don’t you hate me?” “No. Why would I?” (Not ‘why would I be?’)
“fully affected me or changed me”
“The reason why I came here was to give you this.”
“We lived a carefree life.” (There’s only ONE world, therefore there’s no such thing as a carefree world.)

Chapter 2
“but I was not sure”
“I was not surprised”
“I gave a quick punch on her face”
“I looked at Ji Hye”
“I’m way over that jerk off.”
“she knew I could never resist”
“knowing what the surprise already was”

Chapter 3
“That was the evilness of coke, it makes you hyper”
this is only because I wasn’t a huge coke fanatic. I am more of a marijuana person.

Chapter 4
“Seeing that made me want to get into the club faster.”
“No way am I waiting in line.”
“I quickly parked the car round the corner and got out.”
“Ji Hye and I ran to get in the line.”
“Ji Hye pursed her lips.”
“Who goes to the club in the morning”
“placed it on the hem of her shirt”
“we couldn’t even hear ourselves think.”
“I looked at the bottle which was almost half empty.”
“I bumped into a girl who was dancing with her boyfriend I supposed.”
“not one bit”
“his scrawny ass wasn’t doing so well”
“Why was it that Ji Hye could pull me off, but the boyfriend couldn’t?”
“I felt a pair of strong man hands wrapped around my waist.”
“no way am I getting myself arrested tonight”
“I wrestled with the cop as he tried to get handcuff me.”

Chapter 5

“It was as if someone took a stick and viciously smacked my head around with it.”
“I looked to my left to see Ji Hye in sitting on a dirty metal chair with her arms crossed.”
“Her expression told me she wasn’t too happy.”

Look out for text language, e.g. ‘ok’, type it in full instead.
For numbers, type it out in words instead of applying numerical form.
Keep your eyes wide for spelling mistakes as well, be sure to be careful on verbally alike words, e.g. ‘hear’ and ‘here’.

About the usage of ‘so’, avoid it. Replace it with ‘very’ or simply cancel it as ‘so’ explains the comparative level of something to a subject.
You’re narrating the story in ‘recalling-the-past’ form, please remember to apply your tenses in past.

My suggestion to you as you continue on your story, proof read every chapter after you finish writing or find someone professional (a reviewer works) to do it for you.

Flow of Story [13/20]

Your writing is descriptive and rather fun to read. It flows rather smoothly; still, try to emphasize on your language. Grammatical errors tend to annoy readers when it gets serious.

Sub-Total [47/100]

Bonus Section

Characterization [2/10]

So far, I’ve only seen Sang Mi and Ji Hye’s characters. I don’t like it. ‘Two musketeers’ with personalities which are frequently paired up.
Two crazy girls who love to party their souls out, difference – one is bitchier and even lack of hope, another one is more rational and plays the role of the mother.

Style of Writing [6/10]

You play it safe by narrating the story thorough but avoiding usage of bombastic words.
Not especially stylish but acceptable.

But a writer always work to improve his writing, hopefully, you’ll learn to improve.

Captivity [0/5]

It does not appeal captivating to me.
From point one, we’re looking into the life of an obvious problematic young lady.
Right till the stop point, we’re still there.
(Hint: No Jonghyun!)

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [4/5]

I love the way you arrange a short few sentences in a paragraph, easy for readers to read. It would be better if you set the wordings on the foreword and description to left alignment though. Overall is well ordered.

Sub-Total [12/30]

Total [67/145] / [46/100]

Reviewer’s Note:
I don’t think the story’s that bad, perhaps you haven’t gotten into the main point and that’s probably why things still seem dull.

- Claraine

15. Review of My Pocky Love

Title            : My Pocky Love

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : Whytheglumface

Status         : Ongoing, 6 chapters

Workshop   : Designified Fountain

First Impression Section

Title [1.5/5]

I got to know that the title is somewhat meaningful and related to the story afterwards.
However, at first sight, it did not appeal to me. Plus, the type of title ‘My ____ Love’ is very common.

Not a bad title, but you shouldn’t emphasize ‘Pocky’ in it since it wasn’t the main theme of your story.

Foreword & Description [8/10]

Love the way you introduced the story. I, for one, would totally give it a chance after going through the description.
My first impression on the story: very well-written, literally beautiful and yet sturdy with contents.

Graphics [3/5]

I love your poster and the color tone you applied on your poster and background.
However, in your background, why is Sun Hyun holding a poker card? I can’t help noticing the card and it spoils the mood. The whole concept of your layout is cute, innocent and joyful, but a poker card reminds me of gamble, and gamble isn’t anything near cute or innocent.

I deducted some of the points as too many images in between your story annoy me. One way to make it neater, adjust all of them to the same width.
Some of them are pretty random though, try avoiding those.

Sub-Total [12.5/20]

Creation Section

Originality [12/30]

Another story on a school girl getting pregnant, and then breaking up with the child’s father, thinking she’s doing the right thing? It’s even the ‘most frequently used’ among featured and popular stories, but I’m pretty sick of this storyline already. I see it in dramas, books, web sites, everywhere…

There are parts in the story which I find interesting and rather fresh though. For instance, I love the part where Sun Hyun and Hyun A were bombarding each other with Japanese vocabularies. Thumbs up!

Storyline / Plot [19/30]

You brought me surprises, good job! I totally did not expect the part where Sun Hyun got pregnant and Hyun A actually offering Kai to marry Sun Hyun.
You’ve your own style, a style that brings waves of surprises to your readers at the most unexpected times.

There are certain parts that cause confusion in me though.

1. "Just remembering his name would drive me nuts. I'm... sorry Krystal. I'll see you later."
Of course she remembers his name; it should be bringing up his name.

2. Based on the scene which Sun Hyun met Se Hun in the school library, how did Sun Hyun know that he’s the guy Krystal’s supposed to marry? And how could she have met him for a few times? Se Hun had just transferred to the school, no?
Putting the statement aside, let’s assume that Sun Hyun knew, then why was she surprised when Krystal and Se Hun cuddled?

3. I thought that Krystal detested Se Hun based on her respond in Chapter 1, the fact that both of them grew up together and were rather close confused me even more.

I deducted quite a number of points for this problem as it does affect my mood in reading it.

Still, overall, your plot is great, despite its lack of originality.
Opening, conflict, peek, you have it all. And you do twist it with your own writing style and add in your own sense of humor. Remember to continue writing with this spirit of yours.

Language [14/20]

‘Very gifted in dancing’
-Description

‘He grinned childishly, though this is one of his good traits.’
‘I kidded.’
‘I lied voluntarily’, not lay as lay is used when that someone or something is placed onto somewhere by another person. One doesn’t lay himself down.
- Chapter 1

‘Sweetly grabbing me by my shoulders’
- Chapter 2

‘You’re caught, Choi-Sun-Hyun.’
- Dialogue in Chapter 6

Here are a few mistakes I extracted from the story, however, I suggest that you proof read the story to detect grammatical errors: usage of past and present tenses and pronouns.
Also, look out for your character’s point of view. For Sun Hyun, you’d been using ‘I’, ‘you’ and ‘she’. Make your pick and stay firm on it.

I see that your language is improving as I read on though. Keep it up!

Flow of Story [13/20]

Regarding the parts that cause me confusion which I mentioned earlier, they spoil the flow of the story.
However, they only take up a minor part of the story, the rest is flowing smooth. I like the way you describe the scenes, detailed but never verbose, a quality which I’m envious of.

Sub-Total [58/100]

Bonus Section

Characterization [3/10]

I do not like how you portray your characters as stated in the ‘foreword’ section.
Looking at Sun Hyun, Lu Han, Se Hun and Kai’s, they’re all smart, talented, attractive and PERFECT. Repetitive and cliché.
Among the four, two are cold and hard to approach, two are playful; but ALL are loyal to their soul mates.
Try to make their characters different, add in flaws and spice up their personalities.

Krystal and Hyun A’s are better since theirs are not thoroughly the same. Still, it would be even better if you’re able to come up with something that we seldom see.
By the way, I love how you bring out Hyun A’s supportive behavior towards her friend.

Style of Writing [7.5/10]

I love your writing style, the way you describe scenes enable readers to picture them in their head, which is a great achievement as not many authors have the ability to do so.
The way you narrate the story

A reminder to you, keep track of your own story and remember where you were before to prevent mess-up scenes like the ones I mentioned in the ‘storyline’ section’. If you have not updated for some time, be sure to reread previous chapters.
In case what I mentioned isn’t the problem, then I suggest you to keep ‘being logical’ in mind while writing.

Captivity [4/5]

Though I do not like the storyline, I read all six chapters in one go as it started to appeal to me as I go on.
I’m positive that it’s because of your writing style, so be sure to never lose that touch of yours!

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [1/5]

In Chapter 1, I realized that you applied italic on thoughts of the character, but then in Chapter 2, the whole passage was in italic. I prefer the way it was in Chapter 1 as it is easier for readers to differentiate between thoughts and spoken ideas.

Oh, and I see no need for you to insert A LOT of pictures in between the story since the images do not actually help in making the picture of the story clearer. In fact, they might piss the readers off as there’s too many of them in between.

To be honest, I do not like how you arrange the elements in your story. Try to make it neater.

Sub-Total [15.5/30]

Total [86/150] / [57/100]

-Claraine
 

14. Review of Over the Edge

Title            : Over the Edge

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : pinkdot121424

Status         : Completed, one-shot

Workshop   : Literature Mused Reviews

First Impression Section

Title [2/5]

I don’t find the title eye-catching even though it indicates that the story consists of sad and emotional contents. However, it does not really attract a reader to check it out.
Still, I’m glad that you put the‘t’ in ‘the’ in small letters, thumbs up to you!

Foreword & Description [2.5/10]

I was utterly shocked by your description section.
You typed in barely-a-sentence in small letters, BIG MISTAKE. It makes the story look unprofessional and surely you can’t attract a reader with that short of a description. What’s more, it is followed by two simple words – ‘yoonhae’ and ‘yoontae’. Words are scattering around in an unorganized manner, that’s how it appeals to me since the beginning.

On your foreword section, you should abandon your attempt of trying to make the wordings beautiful since it doesn’t seem to arouse the readers’ curiosity, instead it leaves the readers confused before the story actually started.

Graphics [-/5]

Getting a poster and background will be nice though. I love seeing those as a reader!

Sub-Total [4.5/15] 

Creation Section

Originality [13/30]

The story was getting fine, until it approached the ending. Donghae did not know Yoona before and he started avoiding her after the Facebook incident. However, he admitted that he loves Yoona when she was going to kill herself? I don’t like that. This is what happens in dramas and fictions all the time.

To be honest, the story isn’t really original but I love how you were inspired to write this, through watching videos.

Since the story is quite some way from ‘original’, you should try to add in more of your personal style and twist it with dramatic and humorous touch to make it stand out among the many stories which share the same concept as yours.

Storyline / Plot [16/30]

The plot is somewhat cliché, but I couldn’t help enjoying reading the story.
I especially find the conflict of the story attractive.
Still, I deducted points as the peak is not presented with enough style and charisma. Peaks are meant to be the point at which readers get more excited or nervous, but I’ve already cooled down at the peak, in this case, the scene which Yoona was going to kill herself. As mentioned earlier, you should make the peak different by including unexpected happenings.

I love the ending of it, emphasizing the theme on bully issue. The ending worked its magic in making the whole story seem as one which is educational and healthy to read.

Language [12/20]

I spotted an incomplete sentence. Also, look out for punctuations in dialogues and narrations; add in commas wherever you should, you don’t keep on babbling without a pause. Check your usage of past tense and spell out your numbers instead of a simple ‘3’ in formal writings. One more thing, superlative adjectives require a ‘the’ at the front. Carefully check through your spelling as well.

‘She was your ordinary girl’, it should be ‘She was an ordinary girl’.
‘Most interesting to her to study’, it should be ‘most interesting for her to study’.
‘Walked the lonely hallways’, it should be ‘walked along the lonely hallways’; the first one means the lonely hallways are being brought for a walk.

Look out for your sentence structure.
For example, ‘but at most she swallowed 3’, it should be ‘but she only swallowed three at the most’.

‘All she did was lie in bed staring at the wall with the occasional sniffle. However, today, Yoona broke down and let it all out in front of her mom.’ This part causes confusion, are you trying to say that she would usually keep it to herself? If it’s so, replace your ‘all she did’ with ‘she would usually’.

To better overcome these problems in language and grammar, I suggest you to proofread your work or have someone else do it for you if English is not your first language.

Flow of Story [15/20]

No problem with the flow of your story.
The story flows like water. Opening, conflict, suspense, peak then ending, you do it in the safe way.

Still, same old advice, look out for your grammar and structure of sentences since it is severe enough to slow down the readers in their reading tracks.

Sub-Total [56/100]

Bonus Section

Characterization [4/10]

The personalities of your characters do not stand out among the many stories out there.
Yoona is a helpless girl who let others bully her without standing up for herself while Jessica is another popularity queen who bullies the weak. Cliche.

Donghae and Taeyeon are people who see fame as this important that they abandon Yoona in order for them to keep their friends. I somewhat like this since this is well portrayed. (Even though I dislike this sort of personality, this is a matter of the author’s skills in writing.)

Style of Writing [8.5/10]

Your writing is descriptive but not verbose, great job.
Love your writing style as I seem to be enjoying the story even though the plot is cliché. You know why? Your story’s got your style!
I did not award you with a higher mark though because the grammatical mistakes you make actually affect the mood of reading.

Captivity [3/5]

This is a well-written one-shot.
I find it captivating as the story starts to approach the conflict.
However, I’ve cooled down on it as it reached its so-called ‘peak’, the part where Yoona was going to kill herself. Perhaps you should try to spice up that part with sense of humour, or put in even more emotion.

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [2/5]

It looks unorganized here and there, especially on the description section.
A LOT of paragraphs are jumbled together like sardines in a tin, and then followed by a short few after a line of separation. In other words, the allocations of paragraphs are unequal.
Also, pay more attention on when you should start a new sentence and when should you not. Not only in the construction of the sentence wrong when you start one when you shouldn’t, it also spoil the fun of readers.

Sub-Total [17.6/30]

Total [78/145] / [54/100]

 - Claraine

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13. Review of The Lights at the Window Opposite My Room

Title            : The Lights at the Window Opposite My Room

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : xdreammerx

Status         : Completed, one-shot

Workshop   : Literature Mused Reviews

First Impression Section

Title [1.5/5]

It’s a too long for a title as it sounds more like a beautiful phrase rather than a suggestive title.
I know how well the title relates to the story only after reading it.
A little suggestion of mine, maybe ‘Lights from the Window Across, my Companion’.
 

Foreword & Description [4/10]

The part of your ‘disclaimer’ should be put into your ‘foreword’, not ‘description’.
Besides, letting your readers a peek into the story in way important compared to what you’ve got to say since the description is probably what determines your gaining of a reader or otherwise.

I was expecting more in the description though.
Getting to know that it’s ‘another love story’ doesn’t help much in luring the reader to turn to the next page.

 

Graphics [-/5]

I did not consider this part into the review, but I was hoping that you’re going to have one.
Graphics always help, and it serves an important role, in attracting new readers.

 

Sub-Total [5.5/15]

 

Creation Section

Originality [17/30]

The way the main characters met is rather cliché.
Guy helped girl, they became close friends instantly, and then valentines.

I suggest that you make it into a short chaptered fiction instead of a one-shot if the idea isn’t real fresh.
My reason, cliché plots seems more acceptable in chaptered fiction as writers have more opportunity to add in his/her own style into it while chances in one-shots are rather limited.

However, I like the whole concept on the window thing, very comfortable to read.

 

Storyline / Plot [12/30]

OH MY GOD, you didn’t!
The part where the two main characters talked on the phone the first night they got to know each other was extremely cheesy!
Still, I like it.

Unpredicted storyline, actually there was nothing to predict on since nothing much happened.
The story went on rather flatly; try adding in twists of dramas or conflicts.

 

Language [13.5/20]

You messed up past tense and present tense in certain part.
Be sure to proof-read it. Otherwise, ask for someone professional or equally good to do it.

Look out for your countable and uncountable nouns; it determines the usage of ‘is’/’are’.

Your choice of words is good though.

 

Flow of Story [12/20]

I get it that it’s a one-shot, but that doesn’t mean that you’ve to hurry things over.
The storyline is fast, strangers to companions, companions to valentines.
And then, here comes ‘the next few months’.
Really, what’s the hurry?

 

Sub-Total [54.5/100]

 

Bonus Section

Characterization [5/10]

I can’t believe it, the girl is rather straightforward.
She said she loved him too before he got it out.

Don’t really see much of characters’ personality from the short writing, still I like how both of them seem being fated to be companions of life.

Similar to the storyline, a little twist to the characters’ personality would have made the story even interesting.

 

Style of Writing [5/10]

You’ve a bad habit of continuing your sentences without a pause, just like your title.
Get rid of it, and you shall be doing better.

Other than this, everything seems fine to me.
Safe, but nothing too eye-catching.
Still, there’s always room for improvement, another of my suggestion, read more, and pick up something from great authors.

 

Captivity [1/5]

Coming across lots of one-shots, there was only one that I would call ‘captivating’.
Usually one-shots ended before anything started. (of course something started, it’s just the way things seem like)
This one is no exception.

 

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [4.5/5]

No long and never-ending paragraphs, score point for you.
I love the way you separate different characters’ point of view with different colours.
Adding a space between might make it even neater, and neater is better.

 

Sub-Total [15.5/30]

 

Total [75.5/145] / [52/100]

 

Ah, working on one-shots is always tougher (for both authors and reviewers) compared to chapter fictions since one-shots are meant to be concentrated yet fresh.
Good try though.

Don’t think too bad of it that I gave a rather low mark for it.
This is because after gaining experience in reviewing a few one-shots, I’ve finally grasped the way to review it properly and strictly.

All the best to you.

 - Claraine

12. Review of His Cactus, Her Love

Title            : His Cactus, Her Love

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : dulcee

Status         : Ongoing, 7 chapters

Workshop   : Literature Mused Reviews

First Impression Section

Title [3.5/5]

It wasn’t very appealing, to be truthful.
After reading it, I guess his ‘cactus’ means Yooae?
Anyway, the title’s really unique.
 

Foreword & Description [9/10]

It’s awesome, and it serves its purpose well, luring me into turning to the next page.

It’s an introduction, so it’s good to bring the characters out short and simple.

I love the extract you pick for your foreword, that part is interesting just by itself.
It doesn’t confuse readers either, unlike some of the extracts on foreword (in other stories) which give readers annoying question marks.

 

Graphics [3/5]

It’s kind of simple, and personally, I do find it too greenish.
Still, poster looks fine.
I love the way how the title’s written on a piece of ripped paper.

 

Sub-Total [15.5/20]

 

Creation Section

Originality [25/30]

It’s not something we see every day.
However, an ‘almost-nobody’ who’s crushing hard on a kingka isn’t that new.

To me, it’s rather original, because of the unexpected little ideas all over the story.
For example, the part she went blind-dating and MyungSoo couldn’t recognize her.
And the part on the conflict of her hair colour and MyungSoo’s stand-up for her.
 

Storyline / Plot [27/30]

I was trying so hard not to burst out laughing.
It’s hilarious, the way you write it.

One thing, on the sixth chapter, I think it’s slightly too detailed and readers’ spasm of emotions might get mild.
I got so excited at the part where she confessed though.

 

Language [19/20]

I spotted a missing word in the first part of foreword and slight spelling mistakes.
Proofread it, you’ll find it with ease.

Anyway, overall is really good. Occasional spelling mistakes found with suitable choice of words. And grammatical mistake-free.
Thumbs up.
 

Flow of Story [20/20]

It can’t flow any better, the speed of storyline is just right in conjunction with the length of chapters written.
It’s amazing, of how you do it.

 

Sub-Total [91/100]

 

Bonus Section

Characterization [9/10]

I love the way you portray MyungSoo, unintentionally slow and blunt.
And being a kingka, I understand that he has to b a gentleman in the eyes’ of girls.
I’m glad that you bother to write that part out.

About Yooae persona, I’m glad that she’s not another typical almost-nobody-but-daringly-running-after-a-kingka-claiming-him-her-own girl, or a ‘innocently-needs-protection-gets-pity-from-guy’ girl.
She has the shy and hesitant side of a girl, which I like.

About Airi, being a mystery.
It just doesn’t feel right.
It gives out that she’s going to be a mysterious antagonize which I see in a lot of stories.
Surprise me if she isn’t.

 

Style of Writing [10/10]

It’s perfect, the way you describe the scenarios.
I could imagine it in my head.

Expresses storyline clearly to readers without being verbose.
Yet it doesn’t arouses confusion.
Double thumbs up.
 

Captivity [5/5]

I can’t believe it.
I was reading it during midnight, when I was supposed to be in bed as I’d school the next day.
Still, I kept on clicking ‘next’ and assure myself that this is the last one, but I ended up finish all six in one go.

I can’t wait for next update!

 

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [4/5]

I like the way you separate different scenes with a neon green bar.

The story’s easy to read, but the font size is slightly small for those using Mozilla Firefox.
Unlike IE, that program doesn’t enable its users to alter the font size of words.

 

Sub-Total [28/30]

 

Total [134.5/150] /[89.6/100]
 

I tried to review the story real strict but it’s still one of the stories that scored scarily well.
It's my honour getting to review this one/

By the way, Airi is not in a relationship with Myungsoo right?
It would make the storyline a un-fresh if that’s what going to happen.

Still, this part is so a mystery and I’m not taking it into consideration of the review. 

I love it, you rock, dulcee! 

Oh, and hwaiting!

 - Claraine

11. Review of Thank You, Goodbye & I Love You

Title            : Thank You, Goodbye & I Love You

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : keishota

Status         : Completed, one-shot

Workshop   : Professional Review Shop

First Impression Section

Title [1.5/5]

The title isn’t too appealing.
It sounds very familiar.

Yes, you guessed right. There are lots of stories with titles similar to this one.

 

Foreword & Description [4/10]

I love it when authors place details for the story, say, ratings, genres...

It sounds kind of cliché already.
Patient getting real sick, refuses to tell his beloved ones.

 

Graphics [3.5/5]

Your background reminds me of soil, where living things return to after their either simple or glamorous lives. Melancholic feeling, check.

Your poster is more to a mysterious, magical feel though.
However, I really like the book at the front. To me, it symbolises the past, memories that was once reality.
Perhaps Doojoon’s image in a darker shade will enhance your angst atmosphere better.

 

Sub-Total [9/20]

 

Creation Section

Originality [14/30]

It’s quite a common idea already.
The main character keeping away his/her sickness from beloved ones, then tragic ending.

Fictions, dramas, it’s everywhere... I’m getting quite sick of it too.

 

Storyline / Plot [22/30]

The way you write in details, very influential.
I was clutching my shirt when Doojoon had difficulties breathing. I felt like I had too.
Score point for you!

Still, I couldn’t help deducting points for its originality...

 

Language [13/20]

I see a few mistakes here and there, for instance,
Confused, not confuse
Keep his calmness, not calm

Keep your eyes open for present tenses & past tenses.
I see that you’ve proof read the story, maybe you should once more?

By the way, there’s sign of broken English in the story.
For example,
teachers keep calling asking me to help them

Your choice of vocabularies is good though.

 

Flow of Story [16/20]

Nothing wrong with it, yet one-shots can’t possibly go too wrong.
What I mean is, one-shots can’t really go slow or anything, so one-shots kind of safe in this section. (mostly)

Mistakes are minor so it doesn’t affect flow of story.

Sub-Total [65/100]

 

Bonus Section

Characterization [6.5/10]

I’m not really impressed with Doojoon’s character trait.
Keeping his illness a secret because he couldn’t stand to see his beloved ones undergo heartbreak.
Cliche~

Dongwoon’s insanity at the ending was a shock to me though.
Still, thumbs up.
I know, you’re trying to express him EXTREME love for Doojoon.

 

Style of Writing [9.5/10]

Despite grammar mistakes, your style of writing enhances the story.
Readers can actually picture the scene in their heads.

There’s always room to improve though, all the best!

 

Captivity [2/5]

One-shots are really hard to be captivating to readers.
Same goes to this one.
One of the aspects might be its originality.

Nice shot, though.

 

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [5/5]

It’s easy to read, sure.
The layout is fine. Keep it up!

 

Sub-Total [23/30]

 

Total [97/150]/ [65]

Link to song doesn’t work...

Thanks for having the faith in me, to be your reviewer.
I appreciate that. *bows*
And all the best to you~ 

 - Claraine