Title : HIS whisper is the Lucifer!
Story Link : [click]
Author : KYUyunjaemin
Status : On-going, 23 chapters.
Workshop : Peace & Serenity Fanfiction Reviews
First
Impression Section
Title
[2.5/5]
A line from the song thoroughly exposes the main
characters - SHINee in the story before I have to look at the character list; I
would be surprised if it isn’t a SHINee fiction. However, I couldn’t relate ‘whisper’
with the story; perhaps “His Amour is the Lucifer” works?
Foreword
& Description [6/10]
A mediocre description – it reveals the beginning of
the story in a way similar to quite a number of stories. Perhaps you should avoid
being straightforward and twist your text to conceal mystery.
However, I find the teasers in the foreword section
to my liking, exactly what I mentioned about being indirect earlier.
Graphics
[3.5/5]
The background fits well – the warm flame heats up
the atmosphere whereas the blue flame adds a dangerous vibe to it.
I love the pictures you pick to be placed in the middle of the poster, a two-sided Taemin – an anguish side and a bright side. However, I would say that it is not abundantly striking fierce from the perspective of the texture and title.
I love the pictures you pick to be placed in the middle of the poster, a two-sided Taemin – an anguish side and a bright side. However, I would say that it is not abundantly striking fierce from the perspective of the texture and title.
Sub-Total
[12/20]
Creation
Section
Originality
[23/30]
The concept of a pretty young lady intruding the
romantic relationship between two beings isn’t something original; still, your
story consists of original ideas here and there.
Say, the way SHINee acts around each other at the
beginning of the story where they’re playing around before a photo shoot;
Taemin nodding his head as part of immersing in the performance in camouflage
of his melancholy; Sooyoung getting sick of being escorted by Minho to parties
due to his lack of height. There are a lot of cute moments I like.
Storyline
/ Plot [22/30]
Might there happen to be a few mistakes in the sense
of logic?
Here are two examples:
i) The music room Taemin and Minah encounter each other twice; it was described to be in the middle of the school building near to other classrooms during the first encounter; it then became one of the many dance studios in an isolated building specialized for dancing.
ii) Taemin heard the clock striking for nine times when it was twelve at midnight?
Here are two examples:
i) The music room Taemin and Minah encounter each other twice; it was described to be in the middle of the school building near to other classrooms during the first encounter; it then became one of the many dance studios in an isolated building specialized for dancing.
ii) Taemin heard the clock striking for nine times when it was twelve at midnight?
The plots are unveiled according to its phase –
introduction, exposition, climax… Dramatic scenes and suspense are added into
the story, well done.
Language
[9/20]
Grammar mistakes found in the story are fairly
bearable –usage of tenses and pronouns; problems on prepositions are more
severe. I do believe that some of the mistakes are solely due to recklessness;
whereas others are made because of unawareness about the rules of language. Though
I’ve been repeating this in almost every review I wrote, here it is: Try to
prove read your story or have someone proficient in the language do it, no harm
in bringing your story a step closer to flawlessness, no?
Note that it should be ‘Min Ah’s POV’ instead of
‘Min Ah POV’, for POV stands for point of view. Min Ah’s point of view would be
the correct way to express it.
Take note that it’s
‘come here’ and ‘go there’, no such thing and ‘go here’.
Prevent using informal language in formal writings, for instance, “frickin’” should be replaced with ‘freaking’; “looongest”- I get it that you wish to emphasize that her legs are unusually long, but ‘longest’ would do, really; replace “’til” with “until”; replace “kinda” with “kind of”.
Short forms is a form of informal language as well, replace ‘ok’ with ‘okay’.
The usage of Korean vocabularies is getting slightly
excessive that I do not understand some of it, it went beyond the basics.
Nonetheless, there are less grammatical errors
towards the end, thumbs up to you and keep up the improvement.
Flow
of Story [13/20]
The story flows better as the storyline is
developed. At the beginning, there were disruption to its flow due to the
number of mistakes in language usage and repetition of content by switching
points of view. I notice that both issues are amended as the story goes on,
keep in mind to continue doing so.
Sub-Total
[71/100]
Bonus
Section
Characterization
[8/10]
Taemin feels like a hormonal teenager undergoing
mood swings to me; but well, you did such a great job in bringing out his
personality that it leaves a deep impression in me.
Minah seems rather plain though; the typical timid
type who gets nervous over everything in life.
Still, I shouldn’t be overly choosy.
Still, I shouldn’t be overly choosy.
It’s a good thing that you make each SHINee member
distinguishable through their characters.
Style
of Writing [6/10]
Switching of points of view should be minimized to
prevent confusion; and try preventing repeating the same event from different
points of view, it is unnecessary to expose every bit of the characters’
emotion for readers should be able to sense them from the consequence.
I like this particular phrase - “They were brothers.
If not by blood, then by heart.” Beautifully written, I even felt like crying
when I read it.
Captivity
[3.5/5]
I don’t find the story much to my liking at the
beginning; however, it becomes page-turning towards the end. I kept on
scrolling downwards and then clicking next when I was supposed to wash my mug
after finishing my drink.
Keep it up and all the best. It’s not easy to find a
captivating stories nowadays.
Format
& Layout of Story (Neatness) [3/5]
Personally, I do think that the piece of information
you include on top of most of the chapters clarifying the time period of the
story setting is unnecessary as it is made clear that a fiction does not relate
to facts.
You tend to arrange the text line by line at the
first half of the story; you should do it by paragraphing the text since it’s
part of proper writing.
Sub-Total
[20.5/30]
Total
[103.5/150] / [69/100]
- Claraine
