Title : Cross my Heart and Hope to Lie
Story Link : [click]
Author : silentbunny11
Status : On-going, 10 chapters.
Workshop : Creampuffs Reviews, Advertisements, Trailers & Graphics
First
Impression Section
Title
[3/5]
It should be “Never a Right Time” instead of “Never A Right Time”.
Anyhow, it did not catch my attention as it hardly reveals anything on the plot of the story, not even the genre of story. To be specific, it does sound like the title for a sad story, but it doesn’t bring the feeling of sadness to readers.
Still, satisfactory point was awarded as I find the title relevant to the story after reading it.
Anyhow, it did not catch my attention as it hardly reveals anything on the plot of the story, not even the genre of story. To be specific, it does sound like the title for a sad story, but it doesn’t bring the feeling of sadness to readers.
Still, satisfactory point was awarded as I find the title relevant to the story after reading it.
Foreword
& Description [5/10]
First thing I noticed, you make use of
the description and foreword section well, by placing introduction for your
story in the description section and credits in the foreword section.
You might be surprised, but a lot of authors do not seem to be able to do so. Good job.
You might be surprised, but a lot of authors do not seem to be able to do so. Good job.
Your description is rather short, it
doesn’t make the readers wanting to read more. Try adding a little suspense or
perhaps describe a scene from the story in a picturesque manner.
Graphics
[2.5/5]
It is meant to be a sad story, no? It
would be better if you use a cold shade instead of warm colours, perhaps a tone
of blue works the magic.
I love Kevin’s facial expression in the poster though, he looks pained.
It would make the whole poster look greater if the OC wears a facial expression of melancholy or disappointment, instead of slight furious.
I love Kevin’s facial expression in the poster though, he looks pained.
It would make the whole poster look greater if the OC wears a facial expression of melancholy or disappointment, instead of slight furious.
Sub-Total
[10.5/20]
Creation Section
Originality
[16/30]
A breakup scene for your one-shot, it is
not cliché, but not the most original either.
The whole process went on without any surprises, something I anticipated for.
You should spend a little time gathering inspirations by reading others’ stories, watching dramas or even head outdoor to watch the happenings around you. Who knows? You might be able to catch some rare scenes and be able to slot it into the story.
The whole process went on without any surprises, something I anticipated for.
You should spend a little time gathering inspirations by reading others’ stories, watching dramas or even head outdoor to watch the happenings around you. Who knows? You might be able to catch some rare scenes and be able to slot it into the story.
Storyline
/ Plot [15/30]
I couldn’t find the stages of
development in conflict and climax like a good story should contain.
The story went on rather smooth, but plain.
The story went on rather smooth, but plain.
Just a piece of suggestion, try to slot
in dramas into the plot. Perhaps you may tell the readers a little more about
the couple’s loving past and the changes which contribute to their sway of
feelings.
Language
[15/20]
You chose the safe route in your
language, not much mistakes was found, but your writing was rather plain. To
spice up the story even more, you may try using bombastic words or attempt to
be descriptive in the future.
Minor mistakes scatter here and there;
here are some of the mistakes that I spotted.
“I guessed she knew what was
going on. We hadn’t been doing well these last few weeks. We kept
on suddenly having fights and things just suddenly weren't
working out all of a sudden.”
“She looked down at our hands”
(note: ‘look down on’ means that you
take something lightly)
“as she looked up at me” (note:
‘look up to’ means having respect towards someone)
“That was the final straw she could
take and she was cut off from her thoughts, her eyes were lined with
tears now.”
“before she could’ve walked out the door”
“I pulled her into a hug, probably the last hug I would be able to give her.”
“before she could
“I pulled her into a hug, probably the last hug I would be able to give her.”
“I could feel her tears soaked
through my shirt and even I felt like I was about to break out
into tears.”
“and the I could feel the tears fall down my
cheeks”
“I looked upwards trying to stop the
flow”
Proof read your story to look out for
spelling mistakes, though I’ve only found one so far.
‘Understand’. (You typed ‘unnderstand’.)
‘Understand’. (You typed ‘unnderstand’.)
Try to apply italic font to thoughts for
characters.
Reason, since you’re applying present tenses in a past event, these should be made clear that these were the characters’ thoughts during the respective moment.
For example, these parts:
“She’s here. Here goes nothing.”
“I don’t ever want to see her cry. But, I don’t want to lie to her either.”
“Why am I taking so long with this?”
“Everything right now is killing me but… we just really have to break apart.”
“Help us get over this. Help us move on.”
Reason, since you’re applying present tenses in a past event, these should be made clear that these were the characters’ thoughts during the respective moment.
For example, these parts:
“She’s here. Here goes nothing.”
“I don’t ever want to see her cry. But, I don’t want to lie to her either.”
“Why am I taking so long with this?”
“Everything right now is killing me but… we just really have to break apart.”
“Help us get over this. Help us move on.”
Flow
of Story [18/20]
This is a section which helps authors
score, despite my seemingly strict criteria.
The story flowed well, without much disturbance from language flaws or the running of plot.
The story flowed well, without much disturbance from language flaws or the running of plot.
Sub-Total
[64/100]
Bonus Section
Characterization
[4/10]
I couldn’t see much of your characters’
personalities.
From what I see, Kevin is a person who stays firm to his decision, but is gentle and rather emotional at the same time.
The OC is someone who’s even emotional, but rational and understanding.
Their personalities are quite usual and could easily be overlooked.
I would offer you the same piece of advice I gave in the originality section. Try to add in some striking features in your characters which stand out from the many characters we see in stories.
From what I see, Kevin is a person who stays firm to his decision, but is gentle and rather emotional at the same time.
The OC is someone who’s even emotional, but rational and understanding.
Their personalities are quite usual and could easily be overlooked.
I would offer you the same piece of advice I gave in the originality section. Try to add in some striking features in your characters which stand out from the many characters we see in stories.
Style
of Writing [4/10]
As I mentioned in the language section,
your writing style appears plain, though almost mistake-free. I awarded a
rather distinctive score for the language section but not this one.
As an author, you should always try to touch up your story with your personal style of writing. A good author is able to captivate his readers with his special way of writing, and even produce images of scenes in the minds of readers.
As an author, you should always try to touch up your story with your personal style of writing. A good author is able to captivate his readers with his special way of writing, and even produce images of scenes in the minds of readers.
I understand that it’s not an easy task
to accomplish, I’m still learning as well.
Captivity
[2/5]
It is hard to write a one-shot which is
captivating, this one is no exception. To be specific, I’ve only found one
which appears to me as captivating from the many one-shots I read.
Do not feel too bad on it, it was a great attempt. However, I would like to see more of your works in the future, you would improve after practice.
Do not feel too bad on it, it was a great attempt. However, I would like to see more of your works in the future, you would improve after practice.
All in all, to make your story more
addictive, stick to the suggestions I offered in the originality, storyline,
characterization and style of writing sections.
All the best.
All the best.
Format
& Layout of Story (Neatness) [5/5]
To be honest, I love how you arrange
your main text, authors’ notes and credits section.
The arrangement looks neat and well sorted out, making things comfortable to look at.
Thumbs up.
The arrangement looks neat and well sorted out, making things comfortable to look at.
Thumbs up.
Sub-Total
[15/30]
Total
[89.5/150]
/
[60/100]
- Claraine
