16. One Way Ticket

Title            : One Way Ticket

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : sakuragoddess

Status         : Ongoing, 6 chapters

Workshop   : creampuffs || reviews_advertisements + trailers + graphic sets

First Impression Section

Title [3/5]  

The title reminded me of path to heaven when I first saw it. An acceptable title, but it is indeed very subtle at first sight.

However, as I go on reading the story, I see that it’s rather related to the story line. It’s the right way to name a story, yes, but you should have put in more attempts to make it more appealing without changing its original meaning.

Foreword & Description [3/10]

Your description is clear and straight to the point. However, a good description of a story should be twisted to make it sound more interesting and catchy in order to leave a pleasant first impression in readers.

Overall, it does look simple. After reading your description and foreword, I’m not actually interested to click ‘next’ since the plot and characters seem cliché to me already.

Graphics [-/5]

I guess you’ve got one? Sadly I couldn’t see the poster.

Sub-Total [6/15]

 Creation Section

Originality [9/30]

Since your story has not gone far, I shall review it based on the description on the front page.

A girl who has given up on herself and continues ruining herself, has no life, has nothing better to do other than to party and take drugs. Cliché.
A boy comes along and tries to tame her, wins her love and happily ever after. Ancient, and boring.

Still, it’s not impossible to make it different from other stories, try to insert your own style, e.g. sense of humor in your writing, or, slotting in fresh ideas here and there works too.

Storyline / Plot [15/30]

It doesn’t appear to me like a fan fiction yet so far since the claimed main character – Jonghyun, has not even made his grand appearance. Please do not procrastinate on this issue; it’s not called a fan fiction for no reason. The artist should be slotted into the story as far as the second or third chapter.

Anyway, seems like you’ve either done some research or had read a lot of stories on lives of party animals. Either way, thumbs up that you know the topic well before writing.

Language [10/20]

Here are some mistakes I spotted.

Chapter 1
“a kiss on the cheek”
“Sang Mi froze in her spot after hearing the name she hadn’t heard of in years.”
“Don’t you hate me?” “No. Why would I?” (Not ‘why would I be?’)
“fully affected me or changed me”
“The reason why I came here was to give you this.”
“We lived a carefree life.” (There’s only ONE world, therefore there’s no such thing as a carefree world.)

Chapter 2
“but I was not sure”
“I was not surprised”
“I gave a quick punch on her face”
“I looked at Ji Hye”
“I’m way over that jerk off.”
“she knew I could never resist”
“knowing what the surprise already was”

Chapter 3
“That was the evilness of coke, it makes you hyper”
this is only because I wasn’t a huge coke fanatic. I am more of a marijuana person.

Chapter 4
“Seeing that made me want to get into the club faster.”
“No way am I waiting in line.”
“I quickly parked the car round the corner and got out.”
“Ji Hye and I ran to get in the line.”
“Ji Hye pursed her lips.”
“Who goes to the club in the morning”
“placed it on the hem of her shirt”
“we couldn’t even hear ourselves think.”
“I looked at the bottle which was almost half empty.”
“I bumped into a girl who was dancing with her boyfriend I supposed.”
“not one bit”
“his scrawny ass wasn’t doing so well”
“Why was it that Ji Hye could pull me off, but the boyfriend couldn’t?”
“I felt a pair of strong man hands wrapped around my waist.”
“no way am I getting myself arrested tonight”
“I wrestled with the cop as he tried to get handcuff me.”

Chapter 5

“It was as if someone took a stick and viciously smacked my head around with it.”
“I looked to my left to see Ji Hye in sitting on a dirty metal chair with her arms crossed.”
“Her expression told me she wasn’t too happy.”

Look out for text language, e.g. ‘ok’, type it in full instead.
For numbers, type it out in words instead of applying numerical form.
Keep your eyes wide for spelling mistakes as well, be sure to be careful on verbally alike words, e.g. ‘hear’ and ‘here’.

About the usage of ‘so’, avoid it. Replace it with ‘very’ or simply cancel it as ‘so’ explains the comparative level of something to a subject.
You’re narrating the story in ‘recalling-the-past’ form, please remember to apply your tenses in past.

My suggestion to you as you continue on your story, proof read every chapter after you finish writing or find someone professional (a reviewer works) to do it for you.

Flow of Story [13/20]

Your writing is descriptive and rather fun to read. It flows rather smoothly; still, try to emphasize on your language. Grammatical errors tend to annoy readers when it gets serious.

Sub-Total [47/100]

Bonus Section

Characterization [2/10]

So far, I’ve only seen Sang Mi and Ji Hye’s characters. I don’t like it. ‘Two musketeers’ with personalities which are frequently paired up.
Two crazy girls who love to party their souls out, difference – one is bitchier and even lack of hope, another one is more rational and plays the role of the mother.

Style of Writing [6/10]

You play it safe by narrating the story thorough but avoiding usage of bombastic words.
Not especially stylish but acceptable.

But a writer always work to improve his writing, hopefully, you’ll learn to improve.

Captivity [0/5]

It does not appeal captivating to me.
From point one, we’re looking into the life of an obvious problematic young lady.
Right till the stop point, we’re still there.
(Hint: No Jonghyun!)

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [4/5]

I love the way you arrange a short few sentences in a paragraph, easy for readers to read. It would be better if you set the wordings on the foreword and description to left alignment though. Overall is well ordered.

Sub-Total [12/30]

Total [67/145] / [46/100]

Reviewer’s Note:
I don’t think the story’s that bad, perhaps you haven’t gotten into the main point and that’s probably why things still seem dull.

- Claraine

15. Review of My Pocky Love

Title            : My Pocky Love

Story Link   : [click]

Author        : Whytheglumface

Status         : Ongoing, 6 chapters

Workshop   : Designified Fountain

First Impression Section

Title [1.5/5]

I got to know that the title is somewhat meaningful and related to the story afterwards.
However, at first sight, it did not appeal to me. Plus, the type of title ‘My ____ Love’ is very common.

Not a bad title, but you shouldn’t emphasize ‘Pocky’ in it since it wasn’t the main theme of your story.

Foreword & Description [8/10]

Love the way you introduced the story. I, for one, would totally give it a chance after going through the description.
My first impression on the story: very well-written, literally beautiful and yet sturdy with contents.

Graphics [3/5]

I love your poster and the color tone you applied on your poster and background.
However, in your background, why is Sun Hyun holding a poker card? I can’t help noticing the card and it spoils the mood. The whole concept of your layout is cute, innocent and joyful, but a poker card reminds me of gamble, and gamble isn’t anything near cute or innocent.

I deducted some of the points as too many images in between your story annoy me. One way to make it neater, adjust all of them to the same width.
Some of them are pretty random though, try avoiding those.

Sub-Total [12.5/20]

Creation Section

Originality [12/30]

Another story on a school girl getting pregnant, and then breaking up with the child’s father, thinking she’s doing the right thing? It’s even the ‘most frequently used’ among featured and popular stories, but I’m pretty sick of this storyline already. I see it in dramas, books, web sites, everywhere…

There are parts in the story which I find interesting and rather fresh though. For instance, I love the part where Sun Hyun and Hyun A were bombarding each other with Japanese vocabularies. Thumbs up!

Storyline / Plot [19/30]

You brought me surprises, good job! I totally did not expect the part where Sun Hyun got pregnant and Hyun A actually offering Kai to marry Sun Hyun.
You’ve your own style, a style that brings waves of surprises to your readers at the most unexpected times.

There are certain parts that cause confusion in me though.

1. "Just remembering his name would drive me nuts. I'm... sorry Krystal. I'll see you later."
Of course she remembers his name; it should be bringing up his name.

2. Based on the scene which Sun Hyun met Se Hun in the school library, how did Sun Hyun know that he’s the guy Krystal’s supposed to marry? And how could she have met him for a few times? Se Hun had just transferred to the school, no?
Putting the statement aside, let’s assume that Sun Hyun knew, then why was she surprised when Krystal and Se Hun cuddled?

3. I thought that Krystal detested Se Hun based on her respond in Chapter 1, the fact that both of them grew up together and were rather close confused me even more.

I deducted quite a number of points for this problem as it does affect my mood in reading it.

Still, overall, your plot is great, despite its lack of originality.
Opening, conflict, peek, you have it all. And you do twist it with your own writing style and add in your own sense of humor. Remember to continue writing with this spirit of yours.

Language [14/20]

‘Very gifted in dancing’
-Description

‘He grinned childishly, though this is one of his good traits.’
‘I kidded.’
‘I lied voluntarily’, not lay as lay is used when that someone or something is placed onto somewhere by another person. One doesn’t lay himself down.
- Chapter 1

‘Sweetly grabbing me by my shoulders’
- Chapter 2

‘You’re caught, Choi-Sun-Hyun.’
- Dialogue in Chapter 6

Here are a few mistakes I extracted from the story, however, I suggest that you proof read the story to detect grammatical errors: usage of past and present tenses and pronouns.
Also, look out for your character’s point of view. For Sun Hyun, you’d been using ‘I’, ‘you’ and ‘she’. Make your pick and stay firm on it.

I see that your language is improving as I read on though. Keep it up!

Flow of Story [13/20]

Regarding the parts that cause me confusion which I mentioned earlier, they spoil the flow of the story.
However, they only take up a minor part of the story, the rest is flowing smooth. I like the way you describe the scenes, detailed but never verbose, a quality which I’m envious of.

Sub-Total [58/100]

Bonus Section

Characterization [3/10]

I do not like how you portray your characters as stated in the ‘foreword’ section.
Looking at Sun Hyun, Lu Han, Se Hun and Kai’s, they’re all smart, talented, attractive and PERFECT. Repetitive and cliché.
Among the four, two are cold and hard to approach, two are playful; but ALL are loyal to their soul mates.
Try to make their characters different, add in flaws and spice up their personalities.

Krystal and Hyun A’s are better since theirs are not thoroughly the same. Still, it would be even better if you’re able to come up with something that we seldom see.
By the way, I love how you bring out Hyun A’s supportive behavior towards her friend.

Style of Writing [7.5/10]

I love your writing style, the way you describe scenes enable readers to picture them in their head, which is a great achievement as not many authors have the ability to do so.
The way you narrate the story

A reminder to you, keep track of your own story and remember where you were before to prevent mess-up scenes like the ones I mentioned in the ‘storyline’ section’. If you have not updated for some time, be sure to reread previous chapters.
In case what I mentioned isn’t the problem, then I suggest you to keep ‘being logical’ in mind while writing.

Captivity [4/5]

Though I do not like the storyline, I read all six chapters in one go as it started to appeal to me as I go on.
I’m positive that it’s because of your writing style, so be sure to never lose that touch of yours!

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [1/5]

In Chapter 1, I realized that you applied italic on thoughts of the character, but then in Chapter 2, the whole passage was in italic. I prefer the way it was in Chapter 1 as it is easier for readers to differentiate between thoughts and spoken ideas.

Oh, and I see no need for you to insert A LOT of pictures in between the story since the images do not actually help in making the picture of the story clearer. In fact, they might piss the readers off as there’s too many of them in between.

To be honest, I do not like how you arrange the elements in your story. Try to make it neater.

Sub-Total [15.5/30]

Total [86/150] / [57/100]

-Claraine