Sunday, August 19, 2012

19. Review of HIS whisper is the Lucifer!


Title            : HIS whisper is the Lucifer!
Story Link   : [click]
Author        : KYUyunjaemin
Status         : On-going, 23 chapters.
Workshop   : Peace & Serenity Fanfiction Reviews

First Impression Section
Title [2.5/5]
A line from the song thoroughly exposes the main characters - SHINee in the story before I have to look at the character list; I would be surprised if it isn’t a SHINee fiction. However, I couldn’t relate ‘whisper’ with the story; perhaps “His Amour is the Lucifer” works?

Foreword & Description [6/10]
A mediocre description – it reveals the beginning of the story in a way similar to quite a number of stories. Perhaps you should avoid being straightforward and twist your text to conceal mystery.
However, I find the teasers in the foreword section to my liking, exactly what I mentioned about being indirect earlier.

Graphics [3.5/5]
The background fits well – the warm flame heats up the atmosphere whereas the blue flame adds a dangerous vibe to it.
I love the pictures you pick to be placed in the middle of the poster, a two-sided Taemin – an anguish side and a bright side. However, I would say that it is not abundantly striking fierce from the perspective of the texture and title.

Sub-Total [12/20]

Creation Section
Originality [23/30]
The concept of a pretty young lady intruding the romantic relationship between two beings isn’t something original; still, your story consists of original ideas here and there.
Say, the way SHINee acts around each other at the beginning of the story where they’re playing around before a photo shoot; Taemin nodding his head as part of immersing in the performance in camouflage of his melancholy; Sooyoung getting sick of being escorted by Minho to parties due to his lack of height. There are a lot of cute moments I like.

Storyline / Plot [22/30]
Might there happen to be a few mistakes in the sense of logic?
Here are two examples:
i) The music room Taemin and Minah encounter each other twice; it was described to be in the middle of the school building near to other classrooms during the first encounter; it then became one of the many dance studios in an isolated building specialized for dancing.
ii) Taemin heard the clock striking for nine times when it was twelve at midnight?
The plots are unveiled according to its phase – introduction, exposition, climax… Dramatic scenes and suspense are added into the story, well done.

Language [9/20]
Grammar mistakes found in the story are fairly bearable –usage of tenses and pronouns; problems on prepositions are more severe. I do believe that some of the mistakes are solely due to recklessness; whereas others are made because of unawareness about the rules of language. Though I’ve been repeating this in almost every review I wrote, here it is: Try to prove read your story or have someone proficient in the language do it, no harm in bringing your story a step closer to flawlessness, no?

Note that it should be ‘Min Ah’s POV’ instead of ‘Min Ah POV’, for POV stands for point of view. Min Ah’s point of view would be the correct way to express it.

Take note that it’s ‘come here’ and ‘go there’, no such thing and ‘go here’.

Prevent using informal language in formal writings, for instance, “frickin’” should be replaced with ‘freaking’; “looongest”-  I get it that you wish to emphasize that her legs are unusually long, but ‘longest’ would do, really; replace “’til” with “until”; replace “kinda” with “kind of”.
Short forms is a form of informal language as well, replace ‘ok’ with ‘okay’.

The usage of Korean vocabularies is getting slightly excessive that I do not understand some of it, it went beyond the basics.

Nonetheless, there are less grammatical errors towards the end, thumbs up to you and keep up the improvement.

Flow of Story [13/20]
The story flows better as the storyline is developed. At the beginning, there were disruption to its flow due to the number of mistakes in language usage and repetition of content by switching points of view. I notice that both issues are amended as the story goes on, keep in mind to continue doing so.

Sub-Total [71/100]

Bonus Section
Characterization [8/10]
Taemin feels like a hormonal teenager undergoing mood swings to me; but well, you did such a great job in bringing out his personality that it leaves a deep impression in me.
Minah seems rather plain though; the typical timid type who gets nervous over everything in life.
Still, I shouldn’t be overly choosy.
It’s a good thing that you make each SHINee member distinguishable through their characters.

Style of Writing [6/10]
Switching of points of view should be minimized to prevent confusion; and try preventing repeating the same event from different points of view, it is unnecessary to expose every bit of the characters’ emotion for readers should be able to sense them from the consequence.
I like this particular phrase - “They were brothers. If not by blood, then by heart.” Beautifully written, I even felt like crying when I read it.

Captivity [3.5/5]
I don’t find the story much to my liking at the beginning; however, it becomes page-turning towards the end. I kept on scrolling downwards and then clicking next when I was supposed to wash my mug after finishing my drink.
Keep it up and all the best. It’s not easy to find a captivating stories nowadays.

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [3/5]
Personally, I do think that the piece of information you include on top of most of the chapters clarifying the time period of the story setting is unnecessary as it is made clear that a fiction does not relate to facts.
You tend to arrange the text line by line at the first half of the story; you should do it by paragraphing the text since it’s part of proper writing.

Sub-Total [20.5/30]

Total [103.5/150] / [69/100]


- Claraine

Saturday, July 14, 2012

18. Review of Cross my Heart and Hope to Lie

Title            : Cross my Heart and Hope to Lie
Story Link   : [click]
Author        : silentbunny11
Status         : On-going, 10 chapters.
Workshop   : Creampuffs Reviews, Advertisements, Trailers & Graphics

First Impression Section
Title [3/5]
It should be “Never a Right Time” instead of “Never A Right Time”.
Anyhow, it did not catch my attention as it hardly reveals anything on the plot of the story, not even the genre of story. To be specific, it does sound like the title for a sad story, but it doesn’t bring the feeling of sadness to readers.
Still, satisfactory point was awarded as I find the title relevant to the story after reading it.

Foreword & Description [5/10]
First thing I noticed, you make use of the description and foreword section well, by placing introduction for your story in the description section and credits in the foreword section.
You might be surprised, but a lot of authors do not seem to be able to do so. Good job.
Your description is rather short, it doesn’t make the readers wanting to read more. Try adding a little suspense or perhaps describe a scene from the story in a picturesque manner.

Graphics [2.5/5]
It is meant to be a sad story, no? It would be better if you use a cold shade instead of warm colours, perhaps a tone of blue works the magic.
I love Kevin’s facial expression in the poster though, he looks pained.
It would make the whole poster look greater if the OC wears a facial expression of melancholy or disappointment, instead of slight furious.

Sub-Total [10.5/20]

Creation Section
Originality [16/30]
A breakup scene for your one-shot, it is not cliché, but not the most original either.
The whole process went on without any surprises, something I anticipated for.
You should spend a little time gathering inspirations by reading others’ stories, watching dramas or even head outdoor to watch the happenings around you. Who knows? You might be able to catch some rare scenes and be able to slot it into the story.

Storyline / Plot [15/30]
I couldn’t find the stages of development in conflict and climax like a good story should contain.
The story went on rather smooth, but plain.
Just a piece of suggestion, try to slot in dramas into the plot. Perhaps you may tell the readers a little more about the couple’s loving past and the changes which contribute to their sway of feelings.

Language [15/20]
You chose the safe route in your language, not much mistakes was found, but your writing was rather plain. To spice up the story even more, you may try using bombastic words or attempt to be descriptive in the future.
Minor mistakes scatter here and there; here are some of the mistakes that I spotted.
“I guessed she knew what was going on. We hadn’t been doing well these last few weeks. We kept on suddenly having fights and things just suddenly weren't working out all of a sudden.”
“She looked down at our hands” (note: ‘look down on means that you take something lightly)
“as she looked up at me” (note: ‘look up to’ means having respect towards someone)
“That was the final straw she could take and she was cut off from her thoughts, her eyes were lined with tears now.”
“before she could’ve walked out the door”
“I pulled her into a hug, probably the last hug I would be able to give her.”
“I could feel her tears soaked through my shirt and even I felt like I was about to break out into tears.”
“and the I could feel the tears fall down my cheeks”
“I looked upwards trying to stop the flow”


Proof read your story to look out for spelling mistakes, though I’ve only found one so far.
‘Understand’. (You typed ‘unnderstand’.)

Try to apply italic font to thoughts for characters.
Reason, since you’re applying present tenses in a past event, these should be made clear that these were the characters’ thoughts during the respective moment.
For example, these parts:
“She’s here. Here goes nothing.”
“I don’t ever want to see her cry. But, I don’t want to lie to her either.”
“Why am I taking so long with this?”
“Everything right now is killing me but… we just really have to break apart.”
“Help us get over this. Help us move on.”


Flow of Story [18/20]
This is a section which helps authors score, despite my seemingly strict criteria.
The story flowed well, without much disturbance from language flaws or the running of plot.

Sub-Total [64/100]

Bonus Section
Characterization [4/10]
I couldn’t see much of your characters’ personalities.
From what I see, Kevin is a person who stays firm to his decision, but is gentle and rather emotional at the same time.
The OC is someone who’s even emotional, but rational and understanding.
Their personalities are quite usual and could easily be overlooked.
I would offer you the same piece of advice I gave in the originality section. Try to add in some striking features in your characters which stand out from the many characters we see in stories.

Style of Writing [4/10]
As I mentioned in the language section, your writing style appears plain, though almost mistake-free. I awarded a rather distinctive score for the language section but not this one.
As an author, you should always try to touch up your story with your personal style of writing. A good author is able to captivate his readers with his special way of writing, and even produce images of scenes in the minds of readers.
I understand that it’s not an easy task to accomplish, I’m still learning as well.

Captivity [2/5]
It is hard to write a one-shot which is captivating, this one is no exception. To be specific, I’ve only found one which appears to me as captivating from the many one-shots I read.
Do not feel too bad on it, it was a great attempt. However, I would like to see more of your works in the future, you would improve after practice.
All in all, to make your story more addictive, stick to the suggestions I offered in the originality, storyline, characterization and style of writing sections.
All the best.

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [5/5]
To be honest, I love how you arrange your main text, authors’ notes and credits section.
The arrangement looks neat and well sorted out, making things comfortable to look at.
Thumbs up.

Sub-Total [15/30]

Total [89.5/150] / [60/100]


- Claraine

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

17. Review of Never A Right Time

  
Title            : Never A Right Time
Story Link   : [click]
Author        : Kim_Hanyu
Status         : Completed, one-shot.
Workshop   : Designified Fountain

First Impression Section
Title [3/5]
It should be “Never a Right Time” instead of “Never A Right Time”.
Anyhow, it did not catch my attention as it hardly reveals anything on the plot of the story, not even the genre of story. To be specific, it does sound like the title for a sad story, but it doesn’t bring the feeling of sadness to readers.
Still, satisfactory point was awarded as I find the title relevant to the story after reading it.

Foreword & Description [5/10]
First thing I noticed, you make use of the description and foreword section well, by placing introduction for your story in the description section and credits in the foreword section.
You might be surprised, but a lot of authors do not seem to be able to do so. Good job.
Your description is rather short, it doesn’t make the readers wanting to read more. Try adding a little suspense or perhaps describe a scene from the story in a picturesque manner.

Graphics [2.5/5]
It is meant to be a sad story, no? It would be better if you use a cold shade instead of warm colours, perhaps a tone of blue works the magic.
I love Kevin’s facial expression in the poster though, he looks pained.
It would make the whole poster look greater if the OC wears a facial expression of melancholy or disappointment, instead of slight furious.
 
Sub-Total [10.5/20]

 Creation Section
Originality [16/30]
A breakup scene for your one-shot, it is not cliché, but not the most original either.
The whole process went on without any surprises, something I anticipated for.
You should spend a little time gathering inspirations by reading others’ stories, watching dramas or even head outdoor to watch the happenings around you. Who knows? You might be able to catch some rare scenes and be able to slot it into the story.

Storyline / Plot [15/30]
I couldn’t find the stages of development in conflict and climax like a good story should contain.
The story went on rather smooth, but plain.
Just a piece of suggestion, try to slot in dramas into the plot. Perhaps you may tell the readers a little more about the couple’s loving past and the changes which contribute to their sway of feelings.

Language [15/20]
You chose the safe route in your language, not much mistakes was found, but your writing was rather plain. To spice up the story even more, you may try using bombastic words or attempt to be descriptive in the future.
Minor mistakes scatter here and there; here are some of the mistakes that I spotted.
“I guessed she knew what was going on. We hadn’t been doing well these last few weeks. We kept on suddenly having fights and things just suddenly weren't working out all of a sudden.”
“She looked down at our hands” (note: ‘look down on means that you take something lightly)
“as she looked up at me” (note: ‘look up to’ means having respect towards someone)
“That was the final straw she could take and she was cut off from her thoughts, her eyes were lined with tears now.”
“before she could’ve walked out the door”
“I pulled her into a hug, probably the last hug I would be able to give her.”
“I could feel her tears soaked through my shirt and even I felt like I was about to break out into tears.”
“and the I could feel the tears fall down my cheeks”
“I looked upwards trying to stop the flow”


Proof read your story to look out for spelling mistakes, though I’ve only found one so far.
‘Understand’. (You typed ‘unnderstand’.)

Try to apply italic font to thoughts for characters.
Reason, since you’re applying present tenses in a past event, these should be made clear that these were the characters’ thoughts during the respective moment.
For example, these parts:
“She’s here. Here goes nothing.”
“I don’t ever want to see her cry. But, I don’t want to lie to her either.”
“Why am I taking so long with this?”
“Everything right now is killing me but… we just really have to break apart.”
“Help us get over this. Help us move on.”


Flow of Story [18/20]
This is a section which helps authors score, despite my seemingly strict criteria.
The story flowed well, without much disturbance from language flaws or the running of plot.

Sub-Total [64/100]

Bonus Section
Characterization [4/10]
I couldn’t see much of your characters’ personalities.
From what I see, Kevin is a person who stays firm to his decision, but is gentle and rather emotional at the same time.
The OC is someone who’s even emotional, but rational and understanding.
Their personalities are quite usual and could easily be overlooked.
I would offer you the same piece of advice I gave in the originality section. Try to add in some striking features in your characters which stand out from the many characters we see in stories.

Style of Writing [4/10]
As I mentioned in the language section, your writing style appears plain, though almost mistake-free. I awarded a rather distinctive score for the language section but not this one.
As an author, you should always try to touch up your story with your personal style of writing. A good author is able to captivate his readers with his special way of writing, and even produce images of scenes in the minds of readers.
I understand that it’s not an easy task to accomplish, I’m still learning as well.

Captivity [2/5]
It is hard to write a one-shot which is captivating, this one is no exception. To be specific, I’ve only found one which appears to me as captivating from the many one-shots I read.
Do not feel too bad on it, it was a great attempt. However, I would like to see more of your works in the future, you would improve after practice.
All in all, to make your story more addictive, stick to the suggestions I offered in the originality, storyline, characterization and style of writing sections.
All the best.

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [5/5]
To be honest, I love how you arrange your main text, authors’ notes and credits section.
The arrangement looks neat and well sorted out, making things comfortable to look at.
Thumbs up.

Sub-Total [15/30]

Total [89.5/150] / [60/100]



- Claraine

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

16. One Way Ticket


Title            : One Way Ticket
Story Link   : [click]
Author        : sakuragoddess
Status         : Ongoing, 6 chapters
Workshop   : creampuffs || reviews_advertisements + trailers + graphic sets

First Impression Section
Title [3/5]  
The title reminded me of path to heaven when I first saw it. An acceptable title, but it is indeed very subtle at first sight.
However, as I go on reading the story, I see that it’s rather related to the story line. It’s the right way to name a story, yes, but you should have put in more attempts to make it more appealing without changing its original meaning.

Foreword & Description [3/10]
Your description is clear and straight to the point. However, a good description of a story should be twisted to make it sound more interesting and catchy in order to leave a pleasant first impression in readers.
Overall, it does look simple. After reading your description and foreword, I’m not actually interested to click ‘next’ since the plot and characters seem cliché to me already.

Graphics [-/5]
I guess you’ve got one? Sadly I couldn’t see the poster.

Sub-Total [6/15]

 Creation Section
Originality [9/30]
Since your story has not gone far, I shall review it based on the description on the front page.
A girl who has given up on herself and continues ruining herself, has no life, has nothing better to do other than to party and take drugs. Cliché.
A boy comes along and tries to tame her, wins her love and happily ever after. Ancient, and boring.
Still, it’s not impossible to make it different from other stories, try to insert your own style, e.g. sense of humor in your writing, or, slotting in fresh ideas here and there works too.

Storyline / Plot [15/30]
It doesn’t appear to me like a fan fiction yet so far since the claimed main character – Jonghyun, has not even made his grand appearance. Please do not procrastinate on this issue; it’s not called a fan fiction for no reason. The artist should be slotted into the story as far as the second or third chapter.
Anyway, seems like you’ve either done some research or had read a lot of stories on lives of party animals. Either way, thumbs up that you know the topic well before writing.

Language [10/20]
Here are some mistakes I spotted.
Chapter 1
“a kiss on the cheek”
“Sang Mi froze in her spot after hearing the name she hadn’t heard of in years.”
“Don’t you hate me?” “No. Why would I?” (Not ‘why would I be?’)
“fully affected me or changed me”
“The reason why I came here was to give you this.”
“We lived a carefree life.” (There’s only ONE world, therefore there’s no such thing as a carefree world.)

Chapter 2
“but I was not sure”
“I was not surprised”
“I gave a quick punch on her face”
“I looked at Ji Hye”
“I’m way over that jerk off.”
“she knew I could never resist”
“knowing what the surprise already was

Chapter 3
That was the evilness of coke, it makes you hyper”
this is only because I wasn’t a huge coke fanatic. I am more of a marijuana person.

Chapter 4
“Seeing that made me want to get into the club faster.”
“No way am I waiting in line.”
“I quickly parked the car round the corner and got out.”
“Ji Hye and I ran to get in the line.”
“Ji Hye pursed her lips.”
“Who goes to the club in the morning”
“placed it on the hem of her shirt”
“we couldn’t even hear ourselves think.”
“I looked at the bottle which was almost half empty.”
“I bumped into a girl who was dancing with her boyfriend I supposed.”
not one bit”
“his scrawny ass wasn’t doing so well”
“Why was it that Ji Hye could pull me off, but the boyfriend couldn’t?”
“I felt a pair of strong man hands wrapped around my waist.”
“no way am I getting myself arrested tonight”
“I wrestled with the cop as he tried to get handcuff me.”

Chapter 5
“It was as if someone took a stick and viciously smacked my head around with it.”
“I looked to my left to see Ji Hye in sitting on a dirty metal chair with her arms crossed.”
“Her expression told me she wasn’t too happy.”

Look out for text language, e.g. ‘ok’, type it in full instead.
For numbers, type it out in words instead of applying numerical form.
Keep your eyes wide for spelling mistakes as well, be sure to be careful on verbally alike words, e.g. ‘hear’ and ‘here’.

About the usage of ‘so’, avoid it. Replace it with ‘very’ or simply cancel it as ‘so’ explains the comparative level of something to a subject.
You’re narrating the story in ‘recalling-the-past’ form, please remember to apply your tenses in past.
My suggestion to you as you continue on your story, proof read every chapter after you finish writing or find someone professional (a reviewer works) to do it for you.

Flow of Story [13/20]
Your writing is descriptive and rather fun to read. It flows rather smoothly; still, try to emphasize on your language. Grammatical errors tend to annoy readers when it gets serious.

Sub-Total [47/100]

Bonus Section
Characterization [2/10]
So far, I’ve only seen Sang Mi and Ji Hye’s characters. I don’t like it. ‘Two musketeers’ with personalities which are frequently paired up.
Two crazy girls who love to party their souls out, difference – one is bitchier and even lack of hope, another one is more rational and plays the role of the mother.

Style of Writing [6/10]
You play it safe by narrating the story thorough but avoiding usage of bombastic words.
Not especially stylish but acceptable.
But a writer always work to improve his writing, hopefully, you’ll learn to improve.

Captivity [0/5]
It does not appeal captivating to me.
From point one, we’re looking into the life of an obvious problematic young lady.
Right till the stop point, we’re still there.
(Hint: No Jonghyun!)

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [4/5]
I love the way you arrange a short few sentences in a paragraph, easy for readers to read. It would be better if you set the wordings on the foreword and description to left alignment though. Overall is well ordered.
Sub-Total [12/30]

Total [67/145] / [46/100]

Reviewer’s Note:
I don’t think the story’s that bad, perhaps you haven’t gotten into the main point and that’s probably why things still seem dull.




- Claraine






Sunday, April 8, 2012

15. Review of My Pocky Love


Title            : My Pocky Love
Story Link   : [click]
Author        : Whytheglumface
Status         : Ongoing, 6 chapters
Workshop   : Designified Fountain

First Impression Section
Title [1.5/5]
I got to know that the title is somewhat meaningful and related to the story afterwards.
However, at first sight, it did not appeal to me. Plus, the type of title ‘My ____ Love’ is very common.
Not a bad title, but you shouldn’t emphasize ‘Pocky’ in it since it wasn’t the main theme of your story.

Foreword & Description [8/10]
Love the way you introduced the story. I, for one, would totally give it a chance after going through the description.
My first impression on the story: very well-written, literally beautiful and yet sturdy with contents.

Graphics [3/5]
I love your poster and the color tone you applied on your poster and background.
However, in your background, why is Sun Hyun holding a poker card? I can’t help noticing the card and it spoils the mood. The whole concept of your layout is cute, innocent and joyful, but a poker card reminds me of gamble, and gamble isn’t anything near cute or innocent.
I deducted some of the points as too many images in between your story annoy me. One way to make it neater, adjust all of them to the same width.
Some of them are pretty random though, try avoiding those.

Sub-Total [12.5/20]

Creation Section
Originality [12/30]
Another story on a school girl getting pregnant, and then breaking up with the child’s father, thinking she’s doing the right thing? It’s even the ‘most frequently used’ among featured and popular stories, but I’m pretty sick of this storyline already. I see it in dramas, books, web sites, everywhere…
There are parts in the story which I find interesting and rather fresh though. For instance, I love the part where Sun Hyun and Hyun A were bombarding each other with Japanese vocabularies. Thumbs up!

Storyline / Plot [19/30]
You brought me surprises, good job! I totally did not expect the part where Sun Hyun got pregnant and Hyun A actually offering Kai to marry Sun Hyun.
You’ve your own style, a style that brings waves of surprises to your readers at the most unexpected times.
There are certain parts that cause confusion in me though.

1. "Just remembering his name would drive me nuts. I'm... sorry Krystal. I'll see you later."
Of course she remembers his name; it should be bringing up his name.

2. Based on the scene which Sun Hyun met Se Hun in the school library, how did Sun Hyun know that he’s the guy Krystal’s supposed to marry? And how could she have met him for a few times? Se Hun had just transferred to the school, no?
Putting the statement aside, let’s assume that Sun Hyun knew, then why was she surprised when Krystal and Se Hun cuddled?

3. I thought that Krystal detested Se Hun based on her respond in Chapter 1, the fact that both of them grew up together and were rather close confused me even more.
I deducted quite a number of points for this problem as it does affect my mood in reading it.

Still, overall, your plot is great, despite its lack of originality.
Opening, conflict, peek, you have it all. And you do twist it with your own writing style and add in your own sense of humor. Remember to continue writing with this spirit of yours.


Language [14/20]
‘Very gifted in dancing’
-Description
‘He grinned childishly, though this is one of his good traits.’
‘I kidded.’
‘I lied voluntarily’, not lay as lay is used when that someone or something is placed onto somewhere by another person. One doesn’t lay himself down.
- Chapter 1
‘Sweetly grabbing me by my shoulders’
- Chapter 2
‘You’re caught, Choi-Sun-Hyun.’
- Dialogue in Chapter 6

Here are a few mistakes I extracted from the story, however, I suggest that you proof read the story to detect grammatical errors: usage of past and present tenses and pronouns.
Also, look out for your character’s point of view. For Sun Hyun, you’d been using ‘I’, ‘you’ and ‘she’. Make your pick and stay firm on it.
I see that your language is improving as I read on though. Keep it up!

Flow of Story [13/20]
Regarding the parts that cause me confusion which I mentioned earlier, they spoil the flow of the story.
However, they only take up a minor part of the story, the rest is flowing smooth. I like the way you describe the scenes, detailed but never verbose, a quality which I’m envious of.

Sub-Total [58/100]

Bonus Section
Characterization [3/10]
I do not like how you portray your characters as stated in the ‘foreword’ section.
Looking at Sun Hyun, Lu Han, Se Hun and Kai’s, they’re all smart, talented, attractive and PERFECT. Repetitive and cliché.
Among the four, two are cold and hard to approach, two are playful; but ALL are loyal to their soul mates.
Try to make their characters different, add in flaws and spice up their personalities.
Krystal and Hyun A’s are better since theirs are not thoroughly the same. Still, it would be even better if you’re able to come up with something that we seldom see.
By the way, I love how you bring out Hyun A’s supportive behavior towards her friend.

Style of Writing [7.5/10]
I love your writing style, the way you describe scenes enable readers to picture them in their head, which is a great achievement as not many authors have the ability to do so.
The way you narrate the story
A reminder to you, keep track of your own story and remember where you were before to prevent mess-up scenes like the ones I mentioned in the ‘storyline’ section’. If you have not updated for some time, be sure to reread previous chapters.
In case what I mentioned isn’t the problem, then I suggest you to keep ‘being logical’ in mind while writing.

Captivity [4/5]
Though I do not like the storyline, I read all six chapters in one go as it started to appeal to me as I go on.
I’m positive that it’s because of your writing style, so be sure to never lose that touch of yours!

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [1/5]
In Chapter 1, I realized that you applied italic on thoughts of the character, but then in Chapter 2, the whole passage was in italic. I prefer the way it was in Chapter 1 as it is easier for readers to differentiate between thoughts and spoken ideas.
Oh, and I see no need for you to insert A LOT of pictures in between the story since the images do not actually help in making the picture of the story clearer. In fact, they might piss the readers off as there’s too many of them in between.
To be honest, I do not like how you arrange the elements in your story. Try to make it neater.

Sub-Total [15.5/30]

Total [86/150] / [57/100]

-Claraine
 







Thursday, March 22, 2012

14. Review of Over the Edge

Title            : Over the Edge
Story Link   : [click]
Author        : pinkdot121424
Status         : Completed, one-shot
Workshop   : Literature Mused Reviews

First Impression Section
Title [2/5]
I don’t find the title eye-catching even though it indicates that the story consists of sad and emotional contents. However, it does not really attract a reader to check it out.
Still, I’m glad that you put the‘t’ in ‘the’ in small letters, thumbs up to you!

Foreword & Description [2.5/10]
I was utterly shocked by your description section.
You typed in barely-a-sentence in small letters, BIG MISTAKE. It makes the story look unprofessional and surely you can’t attract a reader with that short of a description. What’s more, it is followed by two simple words – ‘yoonhae’ and ‘yoontae’. Words are scattering around in an unorganized manner, that’s how it appeals to me since the beginning.
On your foreword section, you should abandon your attempt of trying to make the wordings beautiful since it doesn’t seem to arouse the readers’ curiosity, instead it leaves the readers confused before the story actually started.

Graphics [-/5]
Getting a poster and background will be nice though. I love seeing those as a reader!

Sub-Total [4.5/15] 

Creation Section
Originality [13/30]
The story was getting fine, until it approached the ending. Donghae did not know Yoona before and he started avoiding her after the Facebook incident. However, he admitted that he loves Yoona when she was going to kill herself? I don’t like that. This is what happens in dramas and fictions all the time.
To be honest, the story isn’t really original but I love how you were inspired to write this, through watching videos.
Since the story is quite some way from ‘original’, you should try to add in more of your personal style and twist it with dramatic and humorous touch to make it stand out among the many stories which share the same concept as yours.

Storyline / Plot [16/30]
The plot is somewhat cliché, but I couldn’t help enjoying reading the story.
I especially find the conflict of the story attractive.
Still, I deducted points as the peak is not presented with enough style and charisma. Peaks are meant to be the point at which readers get more excited or nervous, but I’ve already cooled down at the peak, in this case, the scene which Yoona was going to kill herself. As mentioned earlier, you should make the peak different by including unexpected happenings.
I love the ending of it, emphasizing the theme on bully issue. The ending worked its magic in making the whole story seem as one which is educational and healthy to read.

Language [12/20]
I spotted an incomplete sentence. Also, look out for punctuations in dialogues and narrations; add in commas wherever you should, you don’t keep on babbling without a pause. Check your usage of past tense and spell out your numbers instead of a simple ‘3’ in formal writings. One more thing, superlative adjectives require a ‘the’ at the front. Carefully check through your spelling as well.
‘She was your ordinary girl’, it should be ‘She was an ordinary girl’.
‘Most interesting to her to study’, it should be ‘most interesting for her to study’.
‘Walked the lonely hallways’, it should be ‘walked along the lonely hallways’; the first one means the lonely hallways are being brought for a walk.

Look out for your sentence structure.
For example, ‘but at most she swallowed 3’, it should be ‘but she only swallowed three at the most’.
‘All she did was lie in bed staring at the wall with the occasional sniffle. However, today, Yoona broke down and let it all out in front of her mom.’ This part causes confusion, are you trying to say that she would usually keep it to herself? If it’s so, replace your ‘all she did’ with ‘she would usually’.
To better overcome these problems in language and grammar, I suggest you to proofread your work or have someone else do it for you if English is not your first language.

Flow of Story [15/20]
No problem with the flow of your story.
The story flows like water. Opening, conflict, suspense, peak then ending, you do it in the safe way.
Still, same old advice, look out for your grammar and structure of sentences since it is severe enough to slow down the readers in their reading tracks.

Sub-Total [56/100]

Bonus Section
Characterization [4/10]
The personalities of your characters do not stand out among the many stories out there.
Yoona is a helpless girl who let others bully her without standing up for herself while Jessica is another popularity queen who bullies the weak. Cliche.
Donghae and Taeyeon are people who see fame as this important that they abandon Yoona in order for them to keep their friends. I somewhat like this since this is well portrayed. (Even though I dislike this sort of personality, this is a matter of the author’s skills in writing.)

Style of Writing [8.5/10]
Your writing is descriptive but not verbose, great job.
Love your writing style as I seem to be enjoying the story even though the plot is cliché. You know why? Your story’s got your style!
I did not award you with a higher mark though because the grammatical mistakes you make actually affect the mood of reading.

Captivity [3/5]
This is a well-written one-shot.
I find it captivating as the story starts to approach the conflict.
However, I’ve cooled down on it as it reached its so-called ‘peak’, the part where Yoona was going to kill herself. Perhaps you should try to spice up that part with sense of humour, or put in even more emotion.

Format & Layout of Story (Neatness) [2/5]
It looks unorganized here and there, especially on the description section.
A LOT of paragraphs are jumbled together like sardines in a tin, and then followed by a short few after a line of separation. In other words, the allocations of paragraphs are unequal.
Also, pay more attention on when you should start a new sentence and when should you not. Not only in the construction of the sentence wrong when you start one when you shouldn’t, it also spoil the fun of readers.

Sub-Total [17.6/30]

Total [78/145] / [54/100]

 - Claraine